*I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
*I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
*I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
*I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
*I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
*I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
*ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
*THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
*BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
*I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. (BTW I LOVE TARGET & I do shop there. I HATE WALMART)
*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
*THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
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*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
*If you don't send this blog/e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .
