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Cripple and The Starfish

I have learn few things regarding my life with him. We have shared every thoughts, joy, pain, sadness, jokes, heart with all it complicated meanings yet we understand each other. Every hard times due to our unforgiven past has set us into sweet trouble. But somehow we understand that two different individuals set into one same relationship is the whole meaning of love, itself. But sometime the love has turn out to be so enormous, I barely cannot hold it alone. It set me trapped into a dependent person. So I released myself into words and music, and this track is what I felt inside…deep inside. Cripple and the Starfish by Antony and The Johnsons (Taken from album Antony, 1998) Mr. Muscle forcing bursting Stingy thingy into little me, me, me But just "ripple" said the cripple As my jaw dropped to the ground Smile smile It's true I always wanted love to be Hurtful And it's true I always wanted love to be Filled with pain And bruises Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy Screamed " I just completely love you! And there's no rhyme or reason I'm changing like the seasons Watch! I'll even cut off my finger It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish!" Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly And he checking time did punch me And I sighed and bleeded like a windfall Happy bleedy, happy bruisy I am very happy So please hit me I am very happy So please hurt me I am very happy So please hit me I am very very happy So come on hurt me I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish I'll grow back like a Starfish Like a Starfish...
I have been beaten by my own monster that has been sleeping all this time. When I thought it was peacefully, left out of my consciousness, unaware of my presence. But once again, I was wrong; it majestically stood above my weak heart and gave me a deep strong stare from it beastly eyes. His name is jealousy. I realize that I have a part of jealousy myself, when I thought it just a kiddy stuff in term of two mature individuals. He gets close to this new person, and it drove me crazy. When I say I’m crazy that means my heart bombing itself in so many little spot and so many painful times. It was a bit of surprise actually that I have such a feeling growing inside me. Never had one before, not in my previous relationship, but this time it awaken suddenly and I lose control of it. I have so many thought raging inside this tiny head of mine and feeling tired of this endless battle within me. First there is desire Then... passion! Then... suspicion! Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal! Where love is for the highest bidder, There can be no trust. Without trust,. There is no love! Jealousy. Yes, jealousy... Will drive you... mad! “Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

Eye,Pain,Love

Yesterday the moon was at its most beautiful. The color was very orange almost blood-red, as big as if it’s giving so much protection. I smile and just silently looked up at the clear night sky, letting my mind roam free. Away from realm world and step into so-called-reality, I hear voices calling my name. Letter by letter, soft, tender and addictive, please welcome love. He’s so gentle I could hang on to him forever, never feel bored or nauseous. But sometimes the love is so great it brings me fear. The fear of losing and left behind, the fear where I don’t have myself anymore since the moment I’m giving in to his hands. Then start come pain, it grew slowly, crawling inertia creeps it began to nurture myself into someone fragile and defenseless. So confusing because that pain comes from the very same heart at first giving me comfort! Every power within just surrendering to it, leaving no space to breathe or think or even dance to its death rhythm. We always overlooked from the very same spot we connected, the vibe is there but we didn’t feel and listen. That love is actually there, just like the truth everyone believes, so alive like the air every creatures breathing. Even though we’re so different, actually we have so many likenesses in each other. A puzzle completes another. Truth is painful, but it always telling us the right thing to do.
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