POCKET TASER STUN GUN, a great gift for the wife!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Mike's Pistol and Pawn and it sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Kelly. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse size taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long term adverse effects on the assailant, allowing the user adequate time to retreat to safety...
Way too cool!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darned thing and pushed the button...Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Kelly what the burn spot is one the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I should test it out first, right?
So, there I am, in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device, about 5 inches long and about 3/4 of an inch in diameter; pretty cute and loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries...thinking to myself, no possible way.....
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, dummy!", reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny, little thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Oh crap!!!
It felt like "The Rock" ran in through the side door and body-slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me, meowing oddly, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking, "Do it again, do it again!"
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
Son-of-a-b****! That hurt like he**! A minute or so later (I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace (How did they get there?).
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My fact felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine and my bottom lip weighed like 88 lbs. For the record, I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. I am still in shock.
P.S.-My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
