So, its 330 am, and I cant sleep. Not that I ever really do. Tonight is especially hard. I dont know why. Well, maybe I do, but Im just confused about things. I am beginning to feel detached from things, life I guess. And I dont really want that. I dont want to be numb again. I dont want to go back to the girl who wanted to end her life just a measly 6 months ago. I hated that girl, yet I wanted to go with the impulses. Ive traded one bad habit for another, which will only kill me in the long run, but its better than my already visible scars. I hate feeling alone, almost helpless and used, although Ive become accustomed to these emotions over the dragging years. I can only remember very few times in my life when I was happy, how pathetic is that? I feel like I've grown cold, yet when I cried, he said I wasnt cold at all. So many things are happening at once, and I dont know what I can control and what I cant. Ive learned not to control most of my feelings, to let them out in some way, like talking or writing them down in my poetry, because otherwise, I become numb and detached. And then, I really do become cold. I want to push everyone out of my life, but for once, I realized that I need some support. Most of my "friends" have said Ive changed. Maybe they're right. There are very few people who I talk to now. Even less that I trust. Ive been hurt by so many people over the years, I just dont want to think he could hurt me too, even though, his words can be cold too. But I know him, at least I think I do. I just wish that he would trust me, open up a little more, and believe me when I tell him that I understand. Ive been through alot more than people think, and Im not that naive. And I remember everything, right down to the most insignificant detail, hoping that maybe, it has meaning. I do think Im becoming a blabbering mess, I dont think I know what Im saying right now. And if you end up reading this, let me know. Its nice to know that someone out there understands. Now that Im feeling utterly alone, I think Im going to go for a walk.
