sweet carol's blog: "sweet carol"

The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart A good laugh will do that for you. One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." ----------------------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------- * Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ----------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------- -- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual." ----------------------------------------------- Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go T o A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy

The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT difficult. _____________________ 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. _____________________ 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. _____________________ 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attended except one. Which animal did not attend the conference? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. Remember, you just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. _____________________ 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across it. Have you not been listening to anything I've said? All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference called by the Lion King. This tests whether you learn quickly from your previous mistakes. ____________________ According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around ninety (90%) percent of all professionals tested got all of the questions wrong, but many of the preschoolers tested got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE CHILDREN READ IT TOO! After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message: ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird! GoTo123: LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood? ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out. GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you? ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know. GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today? ByAngel213: Yes and we won!! GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play? ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL GoTo123: What is your team called? ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool. GoTo1 23: Did you pitch? ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye! GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far. Her name: Shannon Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985 Age: 13 State where she lived: North Carolina Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now. Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacti ng and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective. By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt. After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car. Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move. Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room. 'Shannon, come here,' her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa. 'Sit down,' her father began, 'this man has just told us a most interesting story about you.' Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today! 'Do you know who I am, Shannon ?' the man asked. 'No,' Shannon answered. 'I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.' Shannon was stunned. 'That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !' The man smiled. 'I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze.' Shannon was stunned. 'You mean you don't live in Michigan ?' He laughed. 'No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?' She nodded. 'I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?' 'It's a promise!' That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation. *****NOW**** EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN

............ 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SE xIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE! And Remember... "A clean house is the sign of a wasted life

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, and a male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............