Surviving a Zombie Invasion 101
As any expert on the zombie menace will tell you, zombies don't kill people. People kill people.
Zombies just help.
Surviving a zombie invasion is 90% common sense and rational understanding of your situation. Take a moment to review the basics:
THE NEW NEWS:
1) Apparently, some people taste better than others. I know it sounds weird, but really - think about it. Here we have a bunch of running zombies - intact, healthy (in a dead kind of way) and atheletic. They were all bitten, but not terribly badly. On the other hand, you have folks that zombies disembowl, chaw on important limbs and generally strip down to bones. Obviously, there must be Kobe beef out there running with the milkers. My advice - smoke and drink caffine. Sure you'll still get bit, but at least you won't watch a crowd of corpses chow your intestines down like they were sitting at Olive Garden.
2) Zombies have an incredible gossip grapevine. Think about it; they don't use phones or speak intelligibly, but if just one sees you sneaking into a basement, the building is swarmed in a matter of minutes. News travels fast in Zombietown - maybe they're using blackberries.
3) You Smell. Here comes a zombie - he's got two rotted holes where his eyes are supposed to be, but he's homing in on you like cruise missile. I told you that you wear too much Old Spice...
4) Zombies have been going to the gym. The time for shambling has passed us by - now the rotters run faster dead than they ever did when they were alive. Time to set aside some timeworn zombie wisdom. Forget stepping lively. Forget bicycles and mopeds. Stay close to 4 wheels and a full gas tank. Use the drive-thru. If there isn't one, make one.
5) Zombies are wasteful eaters. 'Struth. Think about it. You never see any quadropilegic zombies. Now, that's where the good meat is - long muscle, nicely marbled - but no. They take a chomp or two on some schmuck, then wander away leaving the victim enough structural integrity to get up and stagger around themselves. If you come right down to it, the problem isn't so much with what they eat as it is they just don't handle their leftovers efficiently.
6) Zombies (apparently) starve. I suppose it just goes to show you the importance of eating a balanced breakfast. Leave a zombie without some tenderloin to chaw on for long enough, and they drop like a beggar on the streets of Calcutta.
THE OLD NEWS
1) Old School Zombies are not spry. The fact is, they just aren't well wired anymore. If accosted, you can walk around it; it won't catch up. For fun, run around one in circles and make it dizzy - it's more fun than cow tipping. If one happens to get close, give it a good shove and watch it topple like your drunken Uncle Phil on Christmas Eve.
2) All Zombies are social critters. Traveling with other zombies make zombies feel more intelligent. They also find that traveling in packs aids in hunting: really stupid people are more likely to trip over one of them if they are littering the landscape. If you find yourself being slowly surrounded by zombies, calmly un-surround yourself. They hate when you do that. Don't hide in phone booths. Don't lock yourself in unmoving vehicles. Locomotion is your advantage - use it.
Exceptions include:
The one smart-aleck zombie that holes up for months alone in a closet, hoping that some dope will open the door in search of a fresh tie or something. They then leap out, all mouth and fingers, like a puberty stricken horndog going for second base.
Poor socialization skills; ambitious and sneaky. If Bill Gates turned into a zombie, he'd be one of these guys.
There's no avoiding these kinds of sticky situations; just be aware of them, and disarm them as gracefully as you can. It helps if you've ever been a 16 year old girl out on her fourth date.
3) Zombies have limited offensive capability. Mainly they bite, like a lil' sissy boy. That's a close range weapon with a range of about three inches square. Don't let them get that close. Refuse slow dances. Don't be taken in by the old 'gee your hair smells terrific' routine. You'll be fine.
4) Zombies are a constant annoying presence. They smell bad, dress poorly, have rotten posture, and pester you incessantly. They invade your personal space, come rushing up to you at inopportune times, and just will not leave you in peace. They will stop at nothing to get close to you.
Congratulations.
You now know how celebrities feel about us.
5) Zombies are mostly grazing creatures. Out of sight, out of mind is the key to zombie survival. They tend to just shamble around until somebody is dopey enough to call attention to themselves and wait around for their inevitable surround and swarm. If you can get past the rot, zombies could be likened to carnivorous sloth.
6) Zombies don't surf. Or sail, or drive, or fly, or even ordinarily use elevators. They are very shaker-esque in their view of transportation technology. Man in motion makes for an impossible zombie target. At least, at the moment. Eventually some smart-a$$ film clown will decide to arm the buggers with a set of car keys and a Glock, and we'll all be up the creek..
7) Zombies are fragile. Hardly worth the appellation of 'monster' at all, zombies are incredibly easy to break. With a little lack of restraint, a dojo of well-seasoned zombies could be reduced to a pile of flailing appendages by a motivated maniac in no time flat. The only real danger in dealing with zombies is doing so with any grip on social etiquette.
Reader's advice
8) Zombies are very good at being where you don't expect them to be. So, when you approach a place you're not expecting a zombie to be, expect one. (Offered by zombie expert Daniel Peyton)
9) There are no Zombies in MENSA. Generally, zombie IQ is somewhere just above the average postage stamp. Don't try to reason with one, and don't try to outsmart one. (A second offering by zombie expert Daniel Peyton)
10) Zombies put the bite on friends and neighbors. Tim presents us with what I like to call the 'Six degrees of Deadguy' law: You will always run into Zombies you used to know before they were dead. All you have to remember is that Grandma Wilson would never stumble towards you missing an arm, covered in blood, smelling worse than she usually does, and trying to take a bite out of your arm. By crushing her head with a blunt object, or using an available firearm to spatter the nursing home wall with her brains, you are doing something she would very much appreciate if she were in a right state of mind. It is not fun to be a Zombie.
11) Save a bullet for yourself. Another word of wisdom from Tim: It is not fun to be a Zombie. If you do find yourself in a dire situation, and there is no hope of surviving the zombie attack, be sure to properly destroy your own brain. You will not only be helping yourself, but also any unfortunate person who might be your victim if you do not do so. Also, before thinking of suicide, be absolutely sure that there is not a prepped and ready helicopter nearby, waiting to spirit you away to safety.
12) Well... Maybe faster than that. Ranger passes on his thoughts on zombie attack speed: "You should put on the site how slow zombies are. They are so slow you can get past them on a jog. The fastest they can go is probably as fast as an ant." There was a time, Ranger... there was a time...
13) Rules for the road. Gordy passes on a helpful hint for the escaping motorist: "Generally there are two types of zombies, ones that stagger toward you and moan and ones that hide and wait to jump out at inappropriate moments, like when you are driving. Rule of thumb, if you jump in a vehicle to escape staggering zombies, make sure you check the back seat first."
