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Chrys's blog: "Why?"

created on 02/24/2009  |  http://fubar.com/why/b280231

Suicide

Today around 5 pm my mom attempted suicide. She called crying saying over and over again that she just wanted me to know how much she loved me. I rushed over to find her babbling incoherently and she was barely conscious. As my friend and I rushed her to the hospital her breathing was becoming more shallow. At the hospital all I could do was sit there with this helpless, sick, scared feeling in the pit of my stomach as they stuck tubes down her nose and throat, put her on a respirator and pump her stomach. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to lose my mom. And then the last thing she said to me in the car before she went unconscious started playing in my head over and over again. "Please don't be mad at me" Mad? At her? That hadn't even crossed my mind. Mad at the person who made her feel so worthless that she didn't want to live anymore, of course. I am so mad at him I would rip his fucking dick off and feed it to him if I could. But back to the point, I hadn't been mad at her. That is until I really thought about what her actions to herself would do to everyone who does love and care about her. She has my brother and sisters and I. Her grandchildren. Many good friends. Her siblings. I don't understand how the thought of dieing would be preferable to living. How could she just give up? Where do you go from there? So maybe I was mad for awhile but as I sit here I am saddened by the fact that there is nothing I can do to make her life better. The one person that puts her in such a deep depression is the person she will go back to when she gets out of the hospital. The more I try to do something about it, the further it pushes her away. But I don't know if I can't sit by and watch this anymore. So what do I do now?
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15 years ago
Suicide

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