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Dazed's blog: "camping"

created on 07/08/2007  |  http://fubar.com/camping/b100296

sucks

So I went camping this last week. I think I may have figured something out that has bothered me for a VERY long time and I just wouldn't admit it to myself. I hate the way I feel when I think this way, but still... It all came about during one drunken night. My uncle was rambling, which is nothing new when we go camping. He had had a few drinks. the fire was blazing and he was talking to one of his friends. He was about to start telling stories about my dad. Kept looking at my Aunt saying you know her brother and I were best friends and all the shit we would do.. There was this one time... and my aunt interrupted him going yeah Ashley's dad. And he stop short and decided that he wasn't going to tell the stories because I was there. I told him to go ahead I knew my dad made some bad decisions in life, he has cleaned himself up and I didn't hold it against him because we all make mistakes. Then my uncle went on about how it wasn't bad things he had done, that my dad had so much responsibility worked doing this worked doing that took care of this and that. when he got into something he REALLY got into it, he submersed himself in it. I just sat there listening and I'm not sure what exactly he said but I got upset. I'm STILL upset. Because my papa told me the same thing.... What was going through my head was when he gets something that he is really passionate about he dives head strong into it. Does it completely. Doesn't let anything come between him and whatever it is, just like his stuff with the bands yes he works a state job but he goes out most every night doing stuff with the bands. Even used up most of his vacation time to do gigs and such.... What I don't understand is why I never got this from him. I'm his only child. There were YEARS where I didn't see him and very rarely talked to him. I never got to have a real relationship with my dad. Hell even now I very rarely see or talk to him. Yes I get material things from him (damn near anything I want), but I don't necessarily want those I want a Dad, someone who would have grounded me because I fucked up. Someone who would have been there if I needed to cry to just get away from it all. Someone to tell me its all going to be ok. Someone who would have been at ALL my school events or at least most. I can't remember him coming to ANY until High School or rather 8th grade graduation. Granted I don't remember inviting him, but like I said he wasn't a part of my life. I saw him at holidays and my birthday, if that. That's it. The court order never changed from the second my parents signed the paper work. I was to have visitation with my dad every other weekend and I only remember a few occasions when I did go over there. It hurts like a bitch. I hate it. I hate that for a big part of my life when I should have been his life I wasn't. Instead drugs, bands, fishing, women, alcohol, and just plain screwing around was the most important thing to him. It hurts and I hate feeling this way. I should have been able to look at him and yell "I HATE YOU" when I was ticked off at him, but I never did that to him. Never even had the chance, jumped at the chance to see him or spend time with him. Never questioned what went on or what I heard while people talked thinking I didn't hear them. Didn't ask him why it had been so long between visits. Even now as an adult I don't have much of a relationship with my dad. Yes he came to the hospital when I was hurt, but you know what Heather, Amanda, and Jen would have been there for me in a heart beat too. I've gone to a few shows, but they aren't the place for me. He and I don't do much of anything together. His band gigs make him happiest. Hes always on the road to or from one place or another. Hell he missed my birthday last year for one! I don't know anymore. He is more of a friend than a father figure and even then he isn't the best friend a person can have. At least not to me. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly and I just want him to do what makes him happy, but it pisses me off that spending time with me when I needed him most wasn't one of those things. We all have our demons. I'm thinking this is one of mine. I seem to go to the guys that are most like my dad in one way or another. Ones I know it wont work out with and I'm wondering if everything that i went through is Why I do shit this way. It sucks. Yes they are responsible but they don't want to make the time for me. And when they do have the time I just jump at it like a puppy dog... Damn I hate thinking....
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