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What are you waiting for?
I originally wrote this on 03/21/2005... sadly Im afraid not much has changed in the last 5 years. Well except casting aside someone that wasnt good for me and becoming truly alone in the adult companion sense of the word 'alone'.
"I am who I am, no more and no less. For all my faults and all my gifts I am who I am. I 'know' my faults outnumber my redeeming qualities 10 to 1, though the people that love me tend to disagree. Speaking of the people that love me... there are far more of them than I ever acknowledge and far more of them than I ever expected could withstand my vicious fight. I fight for the fact that I 'know' they dont REALLY love me... they feel sorry for me, or want something from me or have nothing better to do than try to fuck with my head. Because who in their right mind would love me? Im loud and obnoxious, stubborn, selfish and immature. Im opinionated, harsh, jealous and insecure. Im manipulative and lacking integrity, sarcastic and spiteful, catty and bitchy. And if I think if even for one second Ive let down someone I care about I tear myself to pieces. I cant be with the thought of disappointing someone I love, Id rather crawl in a hole than face them. Im only willing to play games with no risk, the idea of failing is terrifying. If I think for one second I might fail, I dont even try. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I give to receive. I hope that maybe someone might someday do for me the things Ive done for others without ever being asked. And when no one does Im angry, except Im not really angry, Im hurt. After all... this is what a hurt Rain sounds like, especially after shes been kicked a few times. I feel passionately. I give into what I feel in the moment without a single thought to the consequence it might later have. I dont trust. I dismiss on a whim. And when a self-mutilating tramp offers themselves to someone I care about, it makes my skin crawl and though Ive been told theyre not interested all I think is that theyre lying and if they arent lying its only a matter of time until they take said tramp up on the offer. What I want I cant make happen, I cant create, I cant control. I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream thats really a nightmare because it will NEVER come true. My life is great, with one exception. People love me or hate me, there is no inbetween. Im volatile and unstable. Anger has a greater power than love. Weakness is disgusting and intolerable. More people are intimidated by me than respect me. The importance I place on acceptance by my peers is pathetic. Im afraid to be different. I cry too often and dont smile often enough. I crave someone to be close to. I keep everyone at a distance. I am more likely to say 'fuck you' than 'I love you.' I am who I am, no more and no less."
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?"
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said "Yes".
She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked....believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. And even if he is a believer; he needs to believe as I do. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to keep me grounded when I do go through changes. I don't need a man who is going to purposely bring me grief. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him and he must respect me. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business or who is 'messy' in his personal affairs. I have no problem being submissive....but he has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man, I can't help a man if he can't help himself. If he can't help himself then he definitely can't help me."
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot".
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
So this is really mostly for me but I thought Id put it out there just in case, because people have a tendency to get their feelings hurt. I know I dont like having my feelings hurt so I thought Id try to avoid it altogether. : )
For a long time (Ive been on the site about 13 months) I have avoided having TOP family and friends because no matter whether I mean it to or not that may lead someone to believe that number represents some sort of level of importance in my life - which isnt necessarily true.
The top 3 people in my family are people I know outside of fubar, and have known for years, and more importantly the top 2 are women my daughter relates to as her 'aunties.' My other family members are people that have been good to me, enough said.
My top friends will be people that are good to me as we all play this game, and it is just a game. Some people click and some people dont - it is what it is. I doubt my top friends will remain the same for the length of the game, but who knows.
So anyway... no ones day is going to be better after reading this but I just thought Id put it out there. : )
And to Pink & Single... I thought Id give the boys a chance at the 1 & 2 spots for once - so know that there is no love lost when I didnt tag you as top friends too. ; ) You guys are the kind of friends they are talking about in those mushy quotes about friends that become family. *hugs*
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