Something has been eating at me for awhile now and i think it is about time to get it out. It would appear that there may be a few people among us that think they know everything about me, both the good qualities and the bad ones but today i think we will focus on the bad as it is not the good that is up for debate.
Most of you are aware that a few months ago i had the honor of being a guest at a facility that deals strictly with problems of the mind. I am not in the least bit ashamed of this as a matter of fact i think it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was only there for a week, just seven days yet when i got home i felt like a changed person. all of the demons that had been hidden for years were now making their way to the surface to be dealt with. i wont say i was cured, i probably never will be. but at least i had a clear idea of what i needed to do. i guess i though that others could easily see the new, changed, and ready to fight me. it has come to my attention that this couldnt be further from the truth. some of you have decided that the new me isnt me at all. that for every day i have as a productive member of society there are two that were spent ruining myself. for the most part that is true but here are a few points where that opinion differs:
i am and always have been a good person
i am not willing to regret anything about my life or the way i was living it.
i refuse to continually pay for the mistakes i must live with everyday.
i will not allow someones opinion of me to alter who i am or who i am to become.
having said all that and being comfortable with those statements i should feel pretty okay with myself. for some reason that i dont totally understand that isnt enough for me though, i feel like i have to be right, like i have to show all of these jackasses how wrong they are. having no means to do that even if those in question gave a damn has left me crushed that someone would ever question my integrity. i should hope that it goes with out saying that my intentions are never anything but good, both before the hospital and now. i also hope that my critics know that i dont think this has all been in vain, i have grown in a huge way in the last 14 months and i meant every word that i said. maybe someday we can all forgive each other. maybe not. maybe it isnt important to anyone but me who can be sure, what i do know is this:
i am on the verge of the happiness that i didnt know actually existed and i am not prepared to let any of it slip away because i am too hung up on the past. as of this moment i am letting it go. i have said what i needed to say and i know that those who need to hear it will, and really what more can we do but that?
you may have noticed that i have not said i am sorry. that was on purpose. you see if i said i was sorry that would mean that i had done something wrong and the point of all of this is that if i have learned anything at all or somehow come away a better person how can i be sorry for that? you should feel the same way, hell i dont expect you to be sorry for whatever hand you had in all of this. we all must live with and make the best of the choices we have made. if i am sorry for anything at all it is that you didnt know me. even though you think you did, there is no way you could have if you saw all the good yet only believed the bad.
and with that i am going to eat some ice cream and get ready for bed.
