Last month in December I did something really bad. I will talk about it as much as I can. So here goes.
I did something bad to someone that I truly loved. I really loved this person. I didn't even want to fall for this person and I did. It took us a couple of weeks and we became close. We called each other everyday and texted each other until we passed out on each other. Then on this person's birthday out of all days I hurt this person. I made this person cry and feel bad for me. After this person didn't know I "hurt" them. I tried not to make a big deal about it. I tried to make this person's 21st birthday the best birthday ever! We had a party. The next few days was terrible! What I did sunk in, and it went to hell. This person's friends attacked me. I freaked out so much that I became depressed and told the person that night how I felt about it all and how shitty I was feeling. This person told me to give them a few days to think about what all happened. After this person's friends attack me this person didn't know how to react on it all.
I gave this person a week to figure it out. I also gave myself a week to think of stuff to say. I finally decided to text this person. Explained everything. This person asked me a ton of questions and I answered them. I don't even know why I did this at all. We became distant but we still talk.
This person wasn't mad at me, this person was just disappointed on what I did not only to her but other friends. I hurt so many people and it hurt self.
The whole month of December was probably one of the hardest months I have ever been through. I became depressed. I wouldn't want to do anything and I would cry a lot. I didn't tell my parents and my grades at school started to slip again. I needed help but I haven't ask for any. This person kept telling me I needed some kind of help and I needed to get through this. This person kept telling me I can get through this and I can get better.
This person still is friends with me. I am happy about it. I think about this person so much I get depressed again for thinking so much. I now show when I am down and I can't stand that! People keep asking me questions and I will just ignore it.
This past week I told this person that I still had feelings for them. I had the love connection. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it. No matter how much I wanted to give it up and how bad it was messing up my life I didn't want to give up what I had with this person. I loved them. So much. I bought this person gifts and I wanted to give them to this person. I wanted to make a relationship out it. But I hurt them. Why do I get the chance to do something like that? Why do I get a 2nd chance? Why me? I told this person everything I kept thinking about. What was on my mind. This person was on my mind everyday single day, every single moment. I told this person that they were Beautiful, Smart, Sweet, could get anyone they wanted to. This person said I was to bold on saying that. It was the honest truth. They said I was smart to and beautiful and stuff like that. But it wasn't hitting the heart. I was sitting on the phone crying telling them how much I loved them. This person didn't even know I had that connection with them. I never want to give it up. But its really messing up my life. I just found out this person has a significant other and I am really happy for them but at the same time I still feel really bad! I am depressed I will admit it right here.
I wish love didn't hurt so much. No matter how much you try to make it feel better, it just kicks you in the ass. Love tars you apart. I keep beating myself over it. This person tells me to stop that I don't need to be doing this and that I am still a really good person I just make mistakes like everyone else. I thought what I was saying was going to bother then but it didn't. They felt really bad cause they are with someone else and I am just here. This person said they see something special in me just like they always have. They was never mad at me. They also said my Heart and Mind are rare and you don't see that in a lot of people. If they said that to me then why I keep beating myself up over it? I want to give up this love stuff so I can move on...but I can't. I keep saying I don't have anyone. But this person said I have them. If I have a problem I can still come to them.
I talked so deep to this person that I made them at a loss of words. Love never dies. People say it does but it doesn't ever leave you. I really miss what we had between each other. I told this person the truth, the person said they still have feelings for me its just not the same. But they said Thanks you for being honest with them and that I love you more for it.
Why does everything have to ignore me? In my life everything is a wrong not a right. I need that right in my life to make me feel better. I will never get that right in my life. I don't know how to overcome this deperessed stage...I have been trying but its not working...I need help. I wish people would look at me like this person does. If anyone can give me pointers or anything I would greatly enjoy it!
~*Desirae*~
