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What are you waiting for?
I've always wondered when it became alright to be selfish with your own life. Not too long ago someone very dear to my heart took their own life. As if it were okay and everyone was supposed to turn the other cheek and go on as life does. I'm sorry, but I can't. I am still very angered and hurt over it.
Why is it okay for you to take yourself from us? Where is it written in the books that a belt and a ceiling fan is okay? I have yet to forgive you. And I don't know if I will ever learn how. You told Amber you were trying to escape the pain. Well congratulations, you succeeded, and fucked everyone else that ever cared about you in the making.
I don't care that you left me, I don't care that you left everyone else. I care that you left Hailey. Of everyone I know you truly cared about her. And how I know this, is I lived it first hand. She never asked to be brought into this world to a mother who was a junky and to a father who would eventually take himself from her.
Amber told me they told her you went to heaven, there was an accident, and she wouldn't be able to talk to you anymore. She cried. Daddy isn't coming home. Daddy is in heaven, watching over her. No she's not! I know she is five years old, too young to understand, and one day she'll know the truth. But my God, Tony, she is five years old! I want to know how you could tell me day after day, and show me, how much you loved her. And cared for her. But turn around the next day and do this!
You called her the night before you did this to tell her you loved her. I don't buy it. I know the man that used to love her. That lived vicariously through her. Who spoke of her everyday. Who couldn't live without her. The man that died July 12, 2010, wasn't you. It was a fabricated version of man who used to be. A coward.
Now she gets to learn more about who her daddy was through pictures and stories people tell her. How is she going to feel when she wants to bring her daddy to school with her for show and tell and she can't. Someday she is going to ask what kind of man you were. Do you want people to tell good stories or bad? Tell the stories of the man you were months before you did this. Stories of how you left her to be with a woman hundreds of miles away. How you got yourself hooked on heroin. How you spoke to her five times in three months. How do you think she is going to feel about her daddy? I know I sure as hell wouldn't want to have been born of a man having done this. Having been so selfish.
Yes, you fixed yourself a little along the way. No longer on drugs. But you were still under Vanessa's spell. You had plans to get married, and were trying to start a family. You were happy. When Vanessa vanished, you said you had nothing to live for.
Obviously you didn't love Hailey too much if you had the guts to wrap a belt around your neck and jump.
A friend of mine brought up a good point. I told her I didn't believe you could still see me. You're in hell. Why should you have the luxury of seeing us? She said you don't get to see the good in things. You see all the negativity you've caused. You see my pain. You see my tears. You don't get to see your little girl grow up. See her get married, and have her children. You get to see her cry. Scream. And hate you for what you did. You get to see her 10 years from now when she hears the truth of all this. You lost your chances of a happy ending for her. I hope you've enjoyed all the rain in hell from the tears that were shed for you.
Goodbye, Tony. Rest in Peace.
