· There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
· Feminist chicks dig me.
· I just got back from a testicle convention. I had a ball.
· I feel so much better since I lost hope.
· If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
· It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.
· Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?
· Don't vote. It just encourages them.
· Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
· Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
· If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
· Ask me about my vow of silence.
· If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
· Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
· Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
· We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
· A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
· Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
· Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
· I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
· Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
· When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
· You are right where you belong. Behind me.
· Old age comes at a bad time.
· The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
· Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
· Do unto others before they do unto you.
· Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
· Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
· Disarm rapists.
· I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
· Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
· I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
· If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
· Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
· Was today really necessary?
· Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
· The more I learn, the less I understand.
· Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
· Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
· I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
· Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
· Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
· O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
· The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
· I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
· I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
· Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
· Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
· Does your train of thought have a caboose?
· Better living through denial.
· I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
· You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
· Beauty is only a light switch away.
· Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
· I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
· So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
· I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
· I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
· The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
· If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
· It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
· If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
· I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
· A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.