Boondock's blog: "Stare into Glory"

created on 09/17/2006 | http://fubar.com/stare-into-glory/b3362

posted on 10/01/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:10&nbs-07:00;am

I know no other way.
http://fubar.com/i-know-no-other-way/b3362-1067718

She's not here now. But that's Ok. She doesn't send me heart beats. She flaunts she teases, she turns her head walks away and expects me to follow. But now, I hold hands with some one else. Now I don't play her games. Now if she wants to play she has to come down of her perfect cloud. Still there are no rules that's fine because the only way survive here is if I let you. I am deadly, I am diseased. Does she dare risk infection? I have survived on stolen time. I know I have many things to pay for but I will not pay her. For she wants what she can't have. To be in her debt is to owe her everything, then she consumes you makes it so you can't think straight and can't see what is right in front of your eyes.

I see all to clearly, so clearly it scares me at times. I am consumed by something else. I see that for all her seduction skills, she can't seduce me because only my mistress can grant me what I desire. My mistress doesn't tease or flaunt or need a seductress's skills. She knows she has what I desire but unlike the chemical intoxication that flirts and fades away with time, my mistress delivers her gift only when she wants to. It's been written in and on books and walls. So, I wait patiently, laughing on the inside at the one who flirts and walks away. Because now who I hold hands with will do so till it is time to give me away.

She suffers tortures as I do, and so we turn our collars to the cold wind and to our backs to the world that would have us be damned. Her words will forever echo inside my head. Let the rain fall down and drench us to the bone we'll just go for a walk in it because the times they may change but the rain will forever fall and wash away those who are to weak to stand. The curse has been cast, time is rapidly fading but no matter because even though the stars are coming out I know just where it is that I have to go.

It is far from she who flirts and skips away. I guess that's my sin then, deciding that even though she smiles beautifully and often that I who rarely smiles is some one she shouldn't know. For all she has to do is look, and about her way go because in my darkest hours there will be no secrets because they along with all of my memories, all my hate, they will disintegrate and she will not be there. No matter because she will never change. It's Ok even if I leave still seeming delightfully strange for I know no other way.

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posted on 10/01/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:10&nbs-07:00;am

You are not Welcome Here
http://fubar.com/you-are-not-welcome-here/b3362-1067717

I am already sick so I cannot be infected with your ills. I live outside your world. You see me and you quickly look away. Your children do the same. Your whisperings do not reach my ears. I will become your victim. Inside I am hollow. I walk apart from those you encountered before. I will not hold your hand because my hand has already been taken. Love doesn't like a mistress and my mistress does not share me with anyone. She has left her mark on me. What she has rought cannot be undone. You may drive the rest of the world to insanity but not me.

For once my beloved removed the veil from infront of my eyes, I walked headlong into the darkness and into the insanity. I have hate in my heart and you will not remove it. I will not be drowned by your lies. It is my destiny to carry on without you and so I shall. I survive on the razors edge day in and day out. The flood gates of pain are forver open. It's waters flow through me. They carry me where you cannot reach me.
Knock as much as you like but you will not be left in. There will forever be a wall between us. I have my guardians and you will not defeat them for they dispose of you.

Even if some how some way you did make it passed my wall you wouldn't become part of me. I would stare at you blankly and utter un to you "You have brought many to their knees, you have infiltrated the multitudes, you have have defeated them..but you will not defeat me...You are fleeting, you are fantasies sent to blind me. Your fleeting fantasies mean nothing to me. For what resides inside me is real. My scars and my pain tell me so. The blood that flows dark red from my wounds is the antidote to all that you all that you do and are.

I dwell outside your garden. My heart will be kept safe from you. You will not reach it. You have tried but you have failed. I waunder through nightmares where you dare not go. My heart and my soul are spoken for, and they do not speak your lies nor will they ever. You and your children may look down upon me in pitty and call me lost, call me decieved. But know this....Cast your gaze upon me. It will have no effect, I am proctected I am not alone and I am not lost and you will not lay claim to me.

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posted on 10/01/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:10&nbs-07:00;am

1 yr. Update
http://fubar.com/1-yr-update/b3362-1067716

It has officially been one year since I became attached to oxygen tubes. UNM for now it seems is more of a fantasy than a reality. I miss my bad ass RA Sheena. I miss bumping DeathMetal followed by Too Live Crews "Hoochie Mamma" Having someone knock one my door to introduce themselves and seeing the look on their face when I whiteboy dressed in black from his head to his feet with braids answers the door.

Since then I've have to learn to let go of a lot of things. Visiting Ms. Davis, and then visting my God Mother for a face to face about everything. Yes, people she is THAT important to me. I've had to miss out on a lot of great parties this summer but hopefully when my mother leaves I'll be able to make up for it. I've given up smoking and drinking regularly. I'll have a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 on handy for those nights that nightmares keep me awake. I miss out on a lot of spontaneous stuff. I've learned to let go of a life without pills. YES! Those kind. Nothing to hardcore, not yet anyways. I've learned to let go of seeing family and friends. My family, other than my Godmother is constantly blaming me for my health situation and what not. I've let go of romance. *Cue Ozzy in Backround*

I have started reading more books, which is good. TV is BAD! Porn well sadly, not even Flower Tucci, Olvia O'Lovely, Arianna Jollie, Sandra Romain, Sophie Dee, Katja Kassin, Vandahlia, Carmella Bing, Tiffany Mynx make me smile anymore. Texas Presley does though. Although, porn is good for something else. Reading material yes people, I studied to be a Paralegal so anything law has my attention and people are always suing porn studios and producers, and now Pornstars are suing fucked up Media internet companies. I love reading legal stuff so if you find anything SEND IT TO ME! I do watch movies though, I'm that person that would whoop your ass at a movie triva game. I LOVE documentary pieces. I suggest you check out "Cocaine Cowboys" SCARFACE for real..then check out America the War on Drugs the Last word, and finally check out MAXED OUT. These are awesome pieces *WARNING* The will make you uncomfortable...They will make you think.

I haven't talked to anybody from school not because I don't like them, but just because it's too hard. I often feel like I failed since I couldn't stay in school. I know I know everybody is screaming at me online courses! MY DSL sucks. K end of disscussion. I do however keep in contact with the down ass homegirl who hooked me up with my braids though. Have to do that. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted to shut everybody out and disapppear. People get all messed up when I do that. I wish I had a video game system to mess with straight up even a Nintendo ZELDA all the way! But alas no money. N there's no waaay im asking my parents for money for one...I'm not a spoiled 12yr old.

If I did have a system I'd buy Madden, and lots of Fighting games. So that way when my mother negetives energy adds to my own shit I could just plug in and kick some ass and feel better. No shooting games though. I'd prefer to do my shooting the "This is my riffle, there are many like it but this one is mine way. I'd probably spend all day taking apart my weapon cleaning it and putting it back together so I didn't loose my mind.

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posted on 02/20/2007&nbs-08:00;@&nbs-08:00;03:02&nbs-08:00;pm

I am the Hated....
http://fubar.com/i-am-the-hated/b3362-233951

I am the hated. I am un-loved. I am the blasphemer. I am the deceiver. I am forever stained. My reputation is maimed. It matters not whether the scars come from lies told or truth lived for I am the hated. People carry an attitude and act rude around me. Whether it’s because I’m something they’re not It doesn’t matter because she hates me and he hates me because I refuse to follow some ones else’s rules and blend in. It has been said let the righteous be righteous still, those who are unjust remain unjust still. I’m filthy so I guess no matter what I do I’ll be filthy and dirty still. When will my payback come for me? I don’t know but no doubt it will arrive special delivery and extra fast because of my past and because he hates me and she hates me all the mother fuckers they hate on me. So it is done and cannot be undone. I’m built for war. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Let them come try and break me, try and play me like a fool. I am the hated this is not debated. I don’t stand tall. Sometimes I don’t even stand at all. But still…. My anger has been provoked it is deep and lasting. I spit venom in the eyes of those who hunger for my defeat. I take the vow of hatred; I make this promise to myself. You will never defeat me. Perseverance is the only thing that I have ever known. I will succeed and throw it in your face because you once sought to destroy me because. Because to you I am un-loved I blasphemed, deceived, but in spite of it all… I achieved that it why I am hated because I am not one of you.. I am not one of the defeated, the lost, and the broken bound by fear to a life I despise

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posted on 09/17/2006&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:09&nbs-07:00;pm

http://fubar.com/-/b3362-7243

As I stare now into glory I seek to conquer all. I’m sick. I know I’m not well because to look into my heart is to take a journey into hell. I’ve done things that I’ll never tell. I have been broken battered and defeated. The blood may no longer run like a river but the pain is here to tell me that I’m still alive. I’ve been guilty of judging to quickly and I have paid the price. I’ve been addicted to substance and punishment and they got me no where but trapped within my own empathy. Now I must face my bruised reflection daily. Just because I am bruised does not mean that I will bow down and I will give in…..I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…the pain is here to show me that I’m still alive…Every drop of blood and sweat has it’s own meaning. I live for the pain I do not care what you think what you say…I don’t give a fuck that people stare at me every day. My blood shall flow and it will stain the land for I am one who is to be judged….when that day comes the real horrors will reveal themselves no longer with anything be concealed. I’ve been eaten alive by my horrors but I confront them every day to survive…I don’t need to smile. Every breath I can steal, every day I can complete sin or no sin is it’s own gift. I have become empowered through my own integrity. There are those that die so that I can live. That it is why I seek to decimate all un-certainty and push myself to the threshold. My mission for the day is to stare death in the face and come back for more. The dark angel holds the keys to my gate…I cannot yet gain admittance for I have not yet conquered myself. I am exposed in my brokenness and impurity for all of the world to see....In this world there are those who seek to cause my crushing defeat….I spit venom in there face. I scream these words for all to hear “Loneliness it not a phase….in a field of pain is where my soul is to graze….serenity is far away.” For serenity to be obtained a new life must begin. For a new life to begin, one must die…..I will destroy everything….I will obliterate everything that threatens me….I will cast down my enemy for he seeks to oppose me. I will embrace the destruction. I will destroy any empty threat. I will not forget that I have the power and fury within to obliterate all that makes me weak. I will stare into death’s face….I will travel to hell again and again to never forgetting the most truth.

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Boondock