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I have delayed writing this blog because I wanted to sort out my thoughts after watching the Tyra show the other day where she had a panel of gals that loved to party and have sex with guys and some guys who offered their opinions on gals who play. It was interesting to hear about the guys' viewpoint. They referred to the gals that had tats in the small of their backs as "stamp tramps" because they feel that the only reason that gals do that is to have guys attention drawn to them and the goods in their pants, hence the nickname of "stamp tramps". Of course, not all gals do that for that reason only, but when you think about it many do. As the show went on, it was further revealed that one of the girls spoken up (unplanned) about how she had been raped long ago and how part of the reason why she has sex with guys is to get back at them with the same non-feeling that they had when they raped her. This part of the show hit me like a brick wall. I had put aside my memories of my being raped, not just once but three times while attending the University of Texas. I was skinny and beautiful and full of life but my love and zest for the intimacy of sex was severely altered during that time. Some nearly 30 years later, I am able to think about it and think about how it has affected my life. While I still very much love sex, I do find myself keep looking for the intimacy that I so desire. The first time was at a frat party on the University of Texas' West Campus. I was a bit drunk and taken upstairs and raped. When my "sisters" took me to the sorority house later in the wee morning hours, I was too out of it and ashamed to say anything. The next time, the same guy called me and told me that he wanted to make up for it; instead, he got me drunk again and we went to the men's dorms on the campus and he raped me in the shower area there. No one was around since most everyone was at a UT football game on campus. The third time was with some male friends of mine who took me down to Saint Mary's University for a party down there. It wasn't them that took advantage of me; it was their friends. I was devastated and ashamed and didn't say anything to them either. It led to a very confusing freshman year. Wow! First time I have let any of that out to anyone. I returned to San Antonio the following year and hoped to reconnect to with my friends that I had trusted so very much when we would go partying throughout high school. Unfortunately, they were all gone. I returned back to Austin the following year where I was "hooked up" with a best friend's cousin, who became my first husband after dating him for 2-3 years. Unfortunately, he and my next husband ended up being quite the abusive nature. I wonder now if the reason I was susceptible to that was because of the series of rapes I endured but didn't dare talk about all these years. Tyra's show certainly gave me a lot to think about and do some soul searching during the past few weeks. My third husband was a doll and showed me that I am truly beautiful, even with the renaissance curves that I have, and he showed me the utmost respect. I regained faith in men after knowing and loving him. Wishing that he never did die, but the good Lord did look upon him and said, "Your job is done." I thank God for the opportunity to have known him. I look forward to whatever the future brings me. I have dated a few good men during the past almost 5 yrs, and discovered a few bad, dishonest fellows along the way. However, my faith in men has already been restored and I know that there are truly some good men out there. In the meantime, I am really not into "hookups" for the sake of having sex. While I do so still love sex, I am saving it for someone who truly wants and desire a relationship with me for the long haul...perhaps, for the rest of our lives. I still keep in touch with the good guys who do have my best interests at heart and stayed away from the bad guys that who I know don't have my best interest at heart. I know CT is a club of sorts; however, that doesn't mean that hookups are on my agenda. I am wholeheartedly looking for that loving, life-enduring relationship that I can share my heart and soul with. Maybe it is only a dream, but I will wait for that special someone to sweep me up and call me all his own. My prince in shining armor who knows how to respect me and love me for who I am. Is he out there? Who knows. He very well could be! Only time will tell.
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -- Dr. Seuss
Moving forward....
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