Do we push away the things we have for the things that we want? Do we take things we don't want to keep things that we need? Do we give and see ourselves as gods because of it? I am guilty of the second. There is speculation about the first. And I know of someone who I have caught red handed doing the last. Can this person refuse to believe in God yet still build themselves in His image? I am not overly religious or anything. I am not a Bible-thumping anything but sometimes another person's actions can shine a light on the faith I do have.
Do you make promises just so someone can believe you and you can have the satisfaction of letting them down? I know many who get off on hurting other people. How tricky they are with their deceit. So masterful. There is no switching in something like that. And karma may come through but perhaps not in a timely fashion. While I may not seek my own vegeance I still want to witness it crashing down on someone who caused me pain before I die. Okay okay enough with the specualtion bullshit. I am ready to move onto happier things. Things that may still cause me frustration yet put a smile on my face during the struggle.
Temptation. I really like that word. It feels dirty. I feel like I should be wearing garters and stilletoes when I say it. But temptaion can be a dangerous thing. There is the slightest chance that it can lead to something wonderful with no ill consequences. But nine times out of ten you bite the apple and fuck up yourself and the whole human race. But if I don't go for it I will always wonder. And I will never know. I hate not knowing. The fear wants to keep me blanketed and away from the temptation but the hope pushes me closer to it because this could be it. But really, if I don't reach for temptaion all I will be able to do is to sink back into the specualtion. And although misery loves company I refuse to join the pitiful lot stuck in that hole.
I know I know. What the hell am I talking about right? The thoughts in my head swirl about and come out in odd shapes and words but I know what it means so it's all good. Lately the water has gotten less murky. The weather has cleared. And after bouts of crying I can take clean, deep breaths. Don't take this away from me. I need it. Don't give me back what was breaking me. I don't want it.
