I really don't know how to start this out or ever know where to begin with the thoughts i have. The past couple of weeks it just been non stop thoughts running through my head. Looking back on my life and seeing all the little mistakes i made. Which i shouldn't do, but it's so hard not too when you have lost to much in your life. You try not to dwell on it or make it worse then it is. Always look at it from a positive light, but sometimes you can't always do that. You need to take the bad with the good. Trying to be strong and being strong are two very different things. I guess there is apart of me that is strong, but there is apart that is trying. Life is so different for me at this moment in time. I look back on the years of my life and think why was i so angry, when i had everything i could have ever wanted? Why did i treat some people the way i did? Why couldnt' i just smiled and be happy with what was given to me instead of screwing it up? Then i turn around and think it wouldn't make me into the person i am today. People in your life come and go. As one of my friends once told me it's apart of life. He was right, but why does it hurt so much? I fear losing more friends for stupid reasons and then having a time like this when you reflect on so much. People who are willing to be there and willing to try to soften the fall for you. I try to hold them close and i try to do the same for them, but as of lately i have had so much going on and i never gave them the thanks they deserve as my friends. To my friends, You are more then i could have ever asked for. You showed me that at my time of need you were there 110% just to make me smile or listen when i needed you too. For that i will be forever thankful and try to do the same for you. I guess i still feel pain from the losses in my life. When something so big happens in your life. You realize just how much you had. You begin to think about it til it drives you into insanity. Just wishing the thoughts would stop. Endless trails of tears flowing down your cheeks, but somewhere some place you get this strength in you, you never even knew you had, but it doesn't hide the pain. It makes it a bit easier. Maybe this is my test in life. To see how much i can actual take on. To make people around me proud of me and show them im not a screw up. I can actually do something right. I just have to keep my head above the water. One breath at a time and do what i can. What made my mom's death so hard was i found out who my true friends were. Friends i thought would be there weren't and people i thought wouldn't be there were. They shocked the hell out of me to be honest, but for those of you who came through when i needed you the most. I have a high respect for you. I may not show it, but it's there. All the thank you's in the world couldn't even begin to express how i feel. For those who sat and listened and hugged me when i needed it the most. You will always have a place in my heart. A place that no other could ever touch. My friends and my family are the reason i have to make these things happen. They may not happen the way i wanted them too or on the time line i would have liked it to be on, but it will happen at my own will. Life isn't suppost to be easy because then it would be boring. Life is made with challenges to make you a better person. To make you appreciate the world that much more and it's true beauty. I am the luckiest to have known and have the people i do now. You guys all gave me apart of your strength from smiles to hugs to just talking and just letting me be who i truly am. No more hiding. No more trying to cover up the pain because with this maybe i can ease some of the pain. Maybe i can learn to be happy again and enjoy life the way i use too instead of looking at it in such a negative way. Live each day one by one and take what's thrown at you as it is. After all i can do is be me. Which i am not ashamed of. I'm me. I'm nicki and with my life i can say i am the luckiest to have known the people i have and to have them in my life for whatever reason it is. I am just the luckiest!
