HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH:
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.
"Cooter"
