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Dictionary for Women

Dictionary for Women Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n.: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.: Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.: Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.: An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.: The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.: Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n.: You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n.: On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n.: The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.: Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
How To Respond To Pickup Lines “Haven’t we met before?” “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.” “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” “Is this seat empty?” “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” “So, wanna go back to my place?” “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” “Your place or mine?” “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” “It’s in the phone book.” “But I don’t know your name.” “That’s in the phone book too.” “So what do you do for a living?” “I’m a female impersonator.” “What sign were you born under?” “No Parking.” “Hey, baby, What’s your sign?” “Stop.” “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” “Unfertilized!” “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?” “I know how to please a woman.” “Then please leave me alone.” “I want to give myself to you.” “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” “I can tell that you want me.” “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you... to leave.” “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.” “May I see you pretty soon?” “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?” “Your body is like a temple.” “Sorry, there are no services today.” “I’d go through anything for you.” “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” “I would go to the end of the world for you.” “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Murphy's Sex Laws

Murphy's Sex Laws 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

Friends WithOut Faces

We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens We can't help but wonder what all of this means. With mouse in hand...we roam through this maze, On an infinite search...lost in a daze. We chat with each other, we type all our woes At times we'll band together to gang up on our foes. We wait for somebody, to type out our name We want recognition, but it is always the same. Soon friendships are formed - but - why we don't know, But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow. We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes we'll flirt, In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt. Why is it on screen, we are so easily bold, Telling our secrets, that have never been told. The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell, We all have our problems, and need someone to tell. We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must So we turn to our 'puters...and to those we can trust. Even though it sounds crazy...the truth still remains, Most of my "friends" have no faces...and odd little names.

"Remember Me"

"Remember Me" Lately I have become concerned about the people I represent. I no longer see the Pride in your eyes that I once seen when I traveled down your streets in the Veterans Day parades and on the 4th of July. The people that once saluted me and those that held their hand over their heart as I passed now just look around to see what others are doing. Could it be that they don't see me? This is what it must be, because I haven't changed. I am still the same flag that accompanied so many of our countrymen as they defended this great country. As I wave in the breeze I am waving for each and ever one of them. I represent the people of this country and not the disappointment you may have with our Government. I have never had a vote in anything. I stand for the freedom that the people have given to this country. You are the heroes, not the Government. You are the ones that go to work each day and do what is necessary to see that the children have clothes and shoes and plenty of food. That is why I call you heroes. This is the spirit that I represent. This is why I was created, as a constant reminder to the people of American that with pride in our country and a strong belief in God we can over come any obstacle that is put in our path. We are still the greatest country in the world. WE ARE AMERICA. So the next time you pass by me just give me a wink or allow a glimmer of pride or just a simple wave to let all the soldiers that have died so you can live free and I can fly free will know that their sacrifice was not in vain. Your Flag
A Heart Filled With Adoration by Darrlah As I sit here and daydream, My mind wanders back to a time when we were young and full of indecision. We knew what our feelings were then for one another we just didn't know what to do with them. The love we share now pales in comparison to the intense, complete and beautiful love we share now.~ We were kids when we fell in love all those years ago. We both harbor many regrets for decisions we made along the way as well as feeling very guilty for the time we spent apart. We grew into adults and have seen many things, But the one thing we can truly see is the love we have for one another, So true and so pure.~ It is you that touches my heart, warms my soul and makes me feel complete. You've brought meaning back to my life when I thought all meaning was gone, you made me feel again when I thought I could feel no more. It is you that holds me tight and makes me realize that there is such a place as a happy and content world, For without you this place doesn't exist for me. I used to long for the days when we were together when I was feeling alone. Today in the here and now I don't have to long for those days anymore. I have you back in my life, back in my heart and back in my soul.~ This road we've chosen to travel together may very well be a long curvey one but we'll face everything together. I've never experienced loving, trusting or having someone care for me so implicitly. The way I feel these things with you i've felt with no other. You are and always will be my perfect love, My lifelong love and my hearts true love. We have always belonged together. We just took to many years to realize it.~ You've always held a special place in my heart, The place where on never forgets the happiness and love you share with that one special person you encounter in your life. Sometimes when two people love each other very young in life it doesn't quite turn out the way we plan or dream that it will. Sometimes you go your seperate ways and try to forget but you can't forget because your heart will always remind you of a love that was lost. You quietly move on with your life secretly hoping to encounter this person again that had such an impact on your life. Sometimes you find your way back to each other after a long absence which can also be viewed as a growing period and you realize that you do belong somewhere and you do belong with someone that understands you, Knows you and knows how you think and feel. You my love are the person I could never forget, The person I could never get out of my head or out of my heart and I couldn't be happier. You are my everything to me.~ As I sit here and daydream my mind wanders to what will be in the future and what will be in the future is us. We will be together always. Our love has florished as well as the desire to be together always. We now know what to do with this intense love and desire to be together and we know what we want. Eventually we'll get through this curvey road and then it will just be us.~

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover. What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week. What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends. What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52): 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers my name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends. What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62): 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend. What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72): 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

WAX is Not your Friend ....

WAX is Not your Friend .... All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extrordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. BAD DECISION!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny ...... Notttttttttt

MAN'S POEM

MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme, And I don't give a damn.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
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