My life is a difficult place to be right now.
I'm busy, I'm broke, I'm surrounded by everyone else's drama. I'm tired, I'm broken, I'm an idiot's baby mama.
Blah. No wonder I dislike most people.
I am at my most eloquent and outspoken on this computer. So much so that many would never guess that I often have trouble holding a conversation on the phone, and...when I don't know someone very well, in person. Words that come so easily to me in text often fail me completely when faced with an every day conversation. I volunteer for a local food pantry and I interact with the people there constantly. I am at no loss for conversation when I am helping my daughter with the fundraisers she's doing to help pay for a school trip to Washington DC. But, when it comes to an actual conversation involving something that truly matters to me...affecting my life...I choke.
So I'll say my piece here.
I don't care about very many people. I mean, I care about people in general...about the world...about hunger and homelessness and unemployment and abuse...but a single person, well, most of the time I could care less whether that person lives or dies. That may seem callous, but it's the way things are. I have my family and a few select friends...and THEY are the ones that matter.
Recently, another person has been added to the list. Has, in fact, bumped himself up right near the top of that list...
And the sucky thing about that is the fact that there is so much I'd like to share with him...and everything else in my life [and his] makes it so damn impossible.
I said that I'm broke. And I am. I have been ever since I had to stop working full time to take care of my mother. We struggle from day to day, never quite making ends meet. Money, and the lack of it, is a constant worry and burden for me. My SUV needs brakes; I can't afford it. My gas tank needs filling; I can't afford to put more than $20 in at a time. My kids need new shoes; WalMart, here we come. Gawd, I hate living this way. I can't even afford to pay to send my own daughter on her school trip without depending on fundraisers. I feel like such a failure.
While we're living this way, there is no extra money for me to take a drive to visit people I care about. There is no extra time for me to take out of my day to spend with someone. It's all used up trying to juggle everything I have to juggle just to keep us all alive from day to day. My only entertainment expense is the internet...and you lovely Fu-fuckers.
He told me today that I have a lot on my plate. And he was right. My plate is full to overflowing...but not with anything that I want to have for dinner. So, here I sit, a full plate in front of me...starving. That's irony for you.
Here's the kicker.
My father retired from the Army Reserves in November of 1996. At the time, he had a QDRO written up regarding the award of half of his military retirement benefits to my mother [this should make sense to you veterans and government personnel, and not much sense to anyone else].
My mother, at the time being the naive schoolteacher/housewife that she was, attempted to retrieve these benefits...and was given the perpetual runaround by the military. For years, she tried in vain to gain what she'd been awarded.
By the time my father passed away, she had pretty much given up and resigned herself to the fact that the military just wasn't going to pay her. She couldn't afford an attorney and she couldn't afford the time to deal with this.
Shortly after he passed away, she became disabled...and there's where we come full circle to this place where we are barely surviving and not one cent of what's owed to her has been paid.
So...I ordered up copies of the court orders...the QDRO. I contacted the military myself and, once again, got the runaround. I wanted to see if anything could be done. We still can't afford an attorney, but we spoke to a woman at legal aid who said that our case is actionable and that we should contact our congressmen...hell, take it all the way to the White House if we must.
I faxed the paperwork to the offices of two congressmen, one of them John McCain. And an hour later, a representative from McCain's office was on my phone, telling me that he is opening a case file on this and making some calls. He is going to do everything in the senator's power to force the Army to follow this court order.
So...it looks like our situation might be about to change. Maybe politicians aren't quite as useless as I thought. If this happens, our entire lives change. If this happens, I have something to give.
My fingers are totally crossed.
