Broken Heart Kat's blog: "Something stirs"

Well it that time of year again, that I dread. I have almost the same feeling about valentine's day as I did last year. It was a mascare, that's what it represents. Last year, made it worse. My Dad passed and that was the day he was buried. Its like a bloody reminder now. Not only that I'm alone, but someone I deeply loved is gone, along with some other friends I deeply miss. I'm trying not to be saddened but its twice as bad when your alone. and the loneliness gets to you, eats you alive. Somedays, I wish I was buried in a grave, under a cold slab. Seems like every holiday or season its always the same, no matter the changes I make in my life. History just repeating itself. Sorry to bore whoever reads this, but its the truth. If there is anyone out there for me please send them in my direction soon. thanks for listening.

Febuary 10, 2007 It was on a Friday Feb. 10, 2006, almost the end of the work day when I got a call from my brother to come down to the hospital right away. It was my dad, he had been in the hospital for sometime now. There had been emergencies before. I thought this was nothing new, besides I had just went to visit with him the night before and he was in a good mood, joking around. I do remember kissing him goodbye and then going back and kissing him again. Not knowing that I would never speak to him again. He had passed and although I walked into the room where he laid with no cords, or iv's or anything hooked up to him, I still felt he was alive. In the hall before I got in the room I felt this rush of energy, like a kid playing up and down the hallway. I looked at my brother and sister and mother like what's wrong, they said dad died and although his body lay motionless there on the bed, it just wouldn't register. Some days it still doesn't register that he is not around. In that room there was nothing, no spirit, no soul, nothing but complete emptiness. I was lost as I realized he left and there was so much I haven't said, questions I so wanted to ask. I wanted to know how he felt about a particular someone, since he was always so nice to rodney, even when he would visit with me. I knew my father wanted to come home, I wanted to ask if he meant to give up and go to heaven home or home, home. The things I should of asked. Now I'll never know how he feels. I've been praying to my dad to help me through my troubled times and to steer me in the right direction. Some days, I know he is around me, but lately its been so cold I can't feel his warmth. I'd like to know if at anytime he was ever proud of me more or if I have proven to be the biggest pain in the ass. Will I ever make it on my own, and not have to be a burden to others. Will I ever find someone like him to be there for me and be happy with, sort of like questions to feed my soul. I miss my dad very much, I wish he was still here so I could hug him and kiss him and talk to him like never before. and remind him that I'm his favorite baby girl. I love you dad and miss you dearly.

Well, I had a doctor's appt. today, What I found out is something I had a clue about but not what I really wanted to hear. Here I am diabetic, of course it runs in my family. My Dad had it. He also, had to get insulin shots. Now so do I. My blood sugar level is very high. Those of you who know me, know that i'm the junk food junkie!! This is going to be tough. Funny thing is I'm liking the taste of diet pop which I used to hate. Now everything makes sense in why I feel the way I do. Its just getting it under control. The worse part for me is the shots in the stomach. Its not as bad as it seems but I still don't like it. What goes thru my mind when I found out, was great, first off I'm alone, I can't have kids, most of my close friends are gone or have their own lives to live, I'm too young to get this, (not really) but I'm going to grow old alone. I just don't like being alone, through this right now. My mother is driving me crazy (that's my mom, i love her) I'm so new to this, & feel like a bumbling idiot. I have to test my sugar, if its too high then I have to give myself insulin & eat which I have to redo my whole menu and food. I have to get it down to 100 so I don't have to take the shot, well so far the lowest I got it was 279, still not good. Now its back up to the 300's not good. Then I get scared, because am I doing this the correct way? Then I got other stuff going on that i refuse to talk about & other medications I have to take. I really don't feel good, but at least I could finally sleep unlike before. I know the signs of high blood but not about low, so I'm giving myself a phobia and not wanting to go anywhere. but I can't be that way. Things will happen, just like shit. I guess I will get by, on my own again. I don't want pity, so don't bother or I'll get nasty with you, and some of you already found out the hard way. So if you think I'm mean then too freaking bad, because I am. I'm just scared and new at this so I do apologize if I don't respond in the most pleasant way. That's all for now.

Lost, forgotten, walking no where, been noone. a blank with in this world. Dark intentions, blood dripping from my wounds, smoke whirling on my tongue, ashes falling to the ground, screaming through the winds. forgotten soul left behind, fighting anger, a listlessness growing stronger, taking over the norm of my sanity. a cry for help, but no one reaches out, no one cares, tears forever falling from my eyes, drowning in my sorrow. coldness that never disapates, turned backs, lashing tongues that strike. A beating of broken hearts, slashes of scars bleeding my thoughts. graves desicrated, broken promises, days and nights of silence, forgotten languages recited. Innocence gone, taken away. the hour is near the candles lit, the sacrifice of oneself, bleeding your scars out, devil prying on my soul, angels cry for the lost child. And all anyone had to do was try. Try and reach out the hand, a friend could of stopped all the pain, gave a little more, a shoulder, a hug, wiped away just a single tear. When they cross over, will you hear or see from then again? can't bring back what you lost. should looked deep into those eyes, a passage to the soul, you would of seen the pain that lays within. Would you have stopped the pain and reached out your hand or were you afraid of the consequences? Kat

Human bones crunched beneath my feet, And animals fled from my steps, I turned their flesh into rotting meat, And upon their corpses I leapt, Angels run from my sight, And flee into the sea, The stars hide in the dark of the night, As soon as they approach me. I sit in crowded places, I just sit and I watch, Others move in darkened spaces, Away from my steely watch. I am the root of all their fears, I watch them when they least expect, In front of me they shed their tears And slink back to the holes from whence they crept. I am not a judge I am a witness It is not my place to punish you, Where I am just the witness, I watch you do what you do, It must be odd, to see me with nothing to give, And odd that I know everything about your life, I know, your family, your friends who you sleep with. And your unholy strife, I know about your might, I know all your all about your thoughts, I know about your sight, I know all about your hearing and your forgotten thoughts, I know how to make you cry, I know about you more than you, I only watch you, watch me and the sky, I am your witness, I watch, that’s all I do.

Something wrong Current mood: artistic Something deep inside me stirs, a dark cursed word disturbs, my insides twist & curve. The dagger slices thru my veins & crosses over my my beaten soul. Again, my heart screams in terror, lost upon the wicked winds, that hold me within. the dankness has taken over once again, my freedom taken by the air thy breathe, forevermore, mistaken for a lost and lowly soul. friends pass by and soon forget that I ever survived. deeply disturbed deep inside when thy lover found thy other, and pushed me aside, like a dirty bride. Like dirt & thunder i rage within, and cry, that you said you'd be by my side. slashed in pieces, tattered and torn, I have been beaten. raged against, raped, bleeding to death. my ghost rages on........on............on.......on gory are the details of my life. horror of what i've found out. insulted in what i'm about. tired & tried & forgotten about time after time. does this crime ever stop? Place this broken heart deeply into this baren soil, for who knows it may one day grow.