Aarrruuuugggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is my issue.....I cant figure it out for the life of me. It's like having a craving for a candy bar that you know youll never eat, or wishing for the food that you hate most. Wanting to have emotion for something, but knowing you'll never have the love for that one thing no matter how much effort you put towards. It will eat you inside out.........even if you dont let it. Bugging you day and night and just when you think you've ridden yourself of this horribly delectable thought it pops back up like a jake-in-the-box and scars the shit out of you. And just like that jake-in-the-box you get use to it after the fifth time, but something still tends to yerk your chain everytime it pops up and there is nothing you can do to rid of it execpt carve out your own brain. So slowly you begin the process of weeding everything out of your memory.....good......bad.....doesn't matter. When you've got something driving you this insane it's better to discard everything. But then something goes suddenly wrong, you unanticipatedly want to remember this chaotic pressance that has caused you to go insane so that only yourself knows, when moments before you wanting nothing but to be rid of it. Now, you remember nothing. Everything is meaningless and you start to see the people you care most about slip away. No matter how hard you grasp their hands they still move towards the distance. Fainter than the memeory of a ghost, everything you ever loved and cared for suddenly blends in with the fog as if the world around you has been drained of all colour. You think hard....there must be some way to reverse what just happened. But there is none and you continue to fall into darkness.....just as alice fell down the rabbits hole..............................................endlessly. You have now been consumed by something you have desired but never truely wanted........or at least that is what you think. Maybe you've always wanted the thought but never cared enough about it to let it develope and form. Maybe this is why you have such a distast for it and it has swallowed your life like a worm. You look around hoping for light and think that you see a reflection, but then relize it was just your imagination. Or was it? Suddenly things are as if you've been sitting in a dark room for ages and the sunlight is trying to penitrate the windows concealed with dust. As you look up from the chair your in you notice that the reflection wasn't your imagination but a acient dusty standing mirror. This mirror holds something of importance but you can't figure it out for the life of you. Taking several strides towards it, you decided to study it and reveal its mystry. After what seem like hours, you come back to the face of the mirror and just stare and sigh, and then you see it. Everything you lost........right there in front of you. But how do you get to it? The other side of the mirror is completely opened and people can't walk through mirrors. There must be a way to get what is most presious to you back. If only you had never aquired that obsession. It did this to you..................................you did this to you. This desire, this obsession, whatever it it is, it is now apart of you. It must be gotten rid of.....but how? The last time you tried to carve it from your life look what it stole from you instead. Could something really so meaningless become the black hole of yourlife? I suppose so, because even if you don't dwell on it your other side is constantly thinking about it. Oh yes, didn't you know?? why who else is going to keep track of all the things you've lost when you've lost them? Certainly not you........or maybe you could. If your other self has access to everything you once were then you would simple have to take its place as keeper of history. Yes, it sounds so simple but it is so much more complicated, Just like the darkness, but its not so bad once you figure out your exits. Turning away from the mirror you head towards a door that was not there before. If all you have is an empty room with a mirror for a photo album then possibly on the other side is your other self with the life that formed this album............................................... .........................................................................................right?.......................
