It was sometime in 1990. I remember it being a chilly night. Early spring or maybe late winter. Todd, Matt, Mike and I were all out on “O” street. We used to like to go out and hand out flyers about the band. Top Roxxie had been around for a year or so, at the time.
On this night, we were standing at the intersection of 14th and “O” Streets. Lincoln, Nebraska had a nice downtown area. It was a college town and all the bars were there. Close to the university campus. There was a lot of foot traffic, so we handed out a lot of flyers. We talked to a lot of people. Some were sober, some were not. It was a blast. We had a great time hanging out with each other.
We had just finished a short collection of five songs. We were excited about it and we decided to go out and bug people into buying it. Looking back, we should have just given those tapes away. They were pretty good, but we never played anywhere and it would have made more sense to give the demos away for free. Maybe the folks who had the tapes would come to see us play sometime. There were a lot of things that we could have done differently, I guess.
It was probably 10:30 or 11:00 when Lisa—or “Leeza” as she was spelling it at the time—came walking by. She was with her friend, Erin, and I learned later that they had just gone to a movie. I can’t remember which one it was.
We talked with the girls for a bit. Gave them some flyers and told them a little about the band. At the time, Poison, Warrant, and Winger were really big acts. We fit in pretty well with that genre. I guess we were a pop-metal band. We definitely had the hair for it.
Erin was the talker. She was pretty enough, but Lisa was an amazing sight. She had blonde hair, not her natural color. It was cut in what I think is called a “bob.” Maybe a pageboy, I’m not sure. I was never good at that sort of thing. She was wearing a long, grey coat. It was kind of fuzzy, if I remember correctly. She had a scarf around her neck and gloves on her hands. Her lips were painted a red-brown with her lipstick. She was made up beautifully for a night out.
The thing that I remember the most about Lisa that night is her eyes. I was completely taken into them. She had big brown eyes and they reflected the light of the streetlamp above us, shining like polished topaz. The best part about her eyes was that they were intently fixed on me. We made a lot of eye contact. I think I was blushing. My heart rate definitely picked up, a little.
After talking with them for a little while, we learned that Lisa was a co-captain for the Pius X High School cheerleaders. They were looking for a band to play at a dance for their school. I don’t remember what the dance was. They were interested in hearing us play. We didn’t have any gigs scheduled at the time, so we invited them to our rehearsal to check us out. We rehearsed in the basement of my mother’s house. I lived there, too. Knowing that this incredible girl was going to come to my house was the best part of the whole night. I would get to see her again!! That had never happened to me. I never got to see the girl again.
They came by on the following Thursday evening. Rehearsal was at 5:00 p.m. They were there at about 6:00. I am pretty focused when I’m in music mode. I don’t let much distract me. That’s one of the good things about my musical talent. I am really drawn into it. The point being that I wasn’t much interested in staring at Lisa, that night. At least not until the rehearsal was done.
At the time, we had a guy in the band named Dave Garlic. He was kind of a stage hog. He was really into getting the girls and all of that rock and roll stuff. He spent a lot of time flirting with both Erin and Lisa. I don’t remember noticing if they were enjoying it or if they were annoyed. I’m thinking they were annoyed. They were way too young for him, anyway. I do remember Lisa telling me later that Erin was interested in Matt. We tried to hook them up for a really brief time.
So, rehearsal finished, the girls were leaving. I thought it would be nice to get them on our mailing list, so I asked for both of their names and addresses. I don’t think we ever sent anything out from that mailing list. It was an idea that never really came to fruition. I had Lisa’s phone number, too. She was the contact person for the dance committee. I told her that I would follow up with her another time. I was all business that night.
So, the night came when I called her back. I think it was that Monday. As it turns out, we were not offered the job of playing at the dance. I didn’t care. I asked Lisa if it would be okay for me to call her some other time. She said, “Do it!” I was really happy. She was great.
I talked to her most nights for a while. She was a senior at Pius X. She coached children’s gymnastics at the local YMCA. She had a night job at a Kentucky Fried Chicken across town. She was funny and she was smart. She lived clear on the other side of town from me. We had a few dates. It was hard to get our schedules to match up. She was busy all the time. I didn’t do much of anything.
Lisa’s voice made me feel all squishy inside. She had a musical quality to the way that she spoke. I would talk to her on the phone until she fell asleep. When I remember what she sounded like, I think of kittens. Cute and cuddly little kittens. I still feel giddy when I think about it. I think she was the first girl I was ever in love with.
I remember, after three weeks or so, I asked her, “Would you be interested in pursuing this?” And she said “yes.” What kind of a question was that, anyway? I guess I thought I was too old to ask her if she’d be my girlfriend. I was never one for that. I figured that we’d just keep seeing each other and there would be no need to declare that we were “together.” We’d just know. But, like I said, she said “yes.”
A few more dates. Lots of phone calls. We talked about our future together and what our house would be like. We talked about having children. I was 19 and she was 18. We had no idea. But we loved each other. I think we really did.
One Friday night, my friend Stephanie came by for some reason that I don’t remember. She was a friend of the band and she’d bring us pizza sometimes. I was on the phone with Lisa and she was very jealous of Stephanie being there. She had also been out drinking earlier that evening.
Lisa excused herself from the phone to use the bathroom, and I, like a buffoon, talked to Stephanie for a minute about how Lisa was drunk and how I didn’t like hearing her tell me about her drunken adventures. The phone disconnected. I called Lisa back and she hung up on me. I didn’t know what had happened. Finally, she took the call and really let me have it for talking to Stephanie about that. I know that her feelings were hurt because she thought I was talking badly about her to some other girl. And I suppose that, in a way, I was. I apologized a lot for that. But we still kept up our relationship.
After a couple of months, we were talking on the phone again one Saturday afternoon. Lisa asked me, “How do you see me?” I wasn’t sure what the question meant. Well. . . I was pretty sure what it meant, I guess. I asked her to clarify, though, because I was so afraid. In a good way, I mean. I never really knew what to do around her. I was always nervous and just a little uncomfortable.
I had known a few of Lisa’s friends before I had met her. They were asking her about me. They wanted to know what, if anything, was going on between us. As she explained it to me, “I told them that ‘I guess I consider myself Eric’s girlfriend, but I don’t know for sure.’” I told her that I thought of us as a couple, too. So, I guess that Lisa was my first real girlfriend. My first real love. That was maybe the happiest day of my life, at the time. But we were young. And it wasn’t meant to last. Anyone will tell you that.
I never kissed Lisa. Not once. We cuddled together under blankets. I hugged her and put my arms around her. But our lips never touched. I don’t know why. I was just so intimidated by the situation. I would have loved for her to just take it upon herself to kiss me and get that gate open, but she never did.
I remember looking at her in the driveway on a pretty, bright, moonlit night. She was leaving from my house, and we stood by her car for a while. She was waiting for me to do it. I was waiting for me to do it. Why didn’t I do it? I was so scared. I even told her that. I told her many times that I was “not sure what she wanted me to do.” She never replied with anything but a blush, a giggle, and an embarrassed-looking smile. She would just look up at me with those eyes. And I would melt. Every time. I guess we really loved each other and neither of us was very sure what to do about it. Maybe it was a first for her, too.
I usually tell people that Lisa and I dated off and on for a couple of years. That’s not true. It was the last three of four months of the school term in 1990. And just a bit of that summer. We drifted apart, of course. Every once in a while we’d talk on the phone. She went on to the university in Lincoln. She was in the flag corps. I really missed her. I don’t know why I never called.
The last time I set eyes on Lisa was in the summer of 1991. We were both out on errands for some thing or other. I was doing something for the band. She was doing something for school. I bumped into her on the quad—I think it was the quad—on campus. We did some catching up. It had been months since we had spoken. It’s strange to me how you can just never see someone again. Someone who isn’t that far away. Especially when it’s someone important to you. Even in a small city like Lincoln, Nebraska, it was possible. I guess that it’s possible everywhere. I know it’s happened to me, many times.
So, we stood in front of each other. I remember that she looked exactly like she had the first time that I met her. Of course, in my memory, Lisa always looks the same. But I know that she had a way of looking at me that made my heart beat faster. That was a constant with her.
We caught up for a little while. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes. I can’t remember anything else from that time. There was nothing in the world but Lisa, at that moment. I don’t know what was going on around us. I didn’t want to leave from that spot. I wanted to grab her and hold her and never let go. But that’s not what I did. Instead, true to my form, I walked away without letting her know that I still loved her. And I didn’t kiss her. I never kissed her. Not once.
I look back now, and I think that I could have died there. My life definitely took a turn at that point. The band broke up shortly afterwards. A couple of years later, I moved to Arizona for a job. But I thought about her all the time. She was in my head in a bad way. After a while, at the prompting of a friend, I tracked her down in Denver. I got a message to her through her parents, and she called me. I melted when I heard her voice on my voicemail. I was weak.
We finally spoke again. It had been about six years, nearly seven, since I had last seen her. We caught up for a while. I talked to her every day for about a week. I told her how I felt. That I had never really got over her and that I would love to see her again. But we never got together. Just like always. I can’t figure out why we didn’t stay together.
It’s now been almost ten years--again--since the last time I talked with Lisa. As it turns out, I still find myself thinking about her all the time. I don’t know if she thinks of me anymore, of course. Part of me hopes that she does. It would be nice to think that someone out there is thinking about me. On the other hand, it is very sad to think that we are two people who have loved each other all this time, but who are not together. Where would be the fairness in that? The sense?
I guess that I would describe my relationship with Lisa as “unfinished.” There was a time when we both thought that we were “together.” But there was never a time when we decided that it was over. And I never kissed her. Maybe that would have changed things.
I loved her. I think I still love her. Maybe my life would be different now if I had just kissed her. I know that I should have done it. I should not have walked away, that day on the quad. Lisa Shaw holds a unique position in my heart. She is both my fondest memory and my biggest regret. I can’t think about her without tearing up, a little. But our story remains unresolved.
