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Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase three tons of brick and cement instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas station.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.
