Spicy's blog: "Some thing worth losing"

Some times we lie to people. Most the time we don’t even realize it. It’s so difficult to tell when this is happening, because they lie to us too, with out knowing it. Some days everything is a lie, and we lie to our selves all too often. Simple lies, not the kind about cheating or using people, but the kind we live with everyday. The lies about how we feel, about our selves, about others, about who we are. Behind every one of these lies is the truth, and the truth hurts. The truth can ruin families, friends, and marriages. Is the truth worth it? Does it even matter anymore? I try to tell the truth, but I can never tell the truth about everything without causing pain for others. So when is it wrong or right? The truth can be the harshest prison for any ones heart.

HOLIDAY CHEER Well you see I can’t stop this twitch Need a witch Someone something Please stop this slow sting Oh, I’m sorry Not what you wanted to hear today Oh, I’m sorry You just don’t care today Well that’s OK You just had complain Thought you were owned completely So much in vein Sold my soul so easily Sitting all along But you still won’t call No one on the phone How far did we fall Oh, I so sorry Still not what you wanted to hear Oh, if you only knew how sorry You still wouldn’t fucking care Well that's OK

I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking lately. I realize I have the answers to very little or nothing at all. I’m really not sure what’s wrong or right when it comes to love any more. All I know is what I feel. I wonder how many of us, when we are all alone, actually like ourselves? When no ones coming by to sit with you. When no ones there to hear you think, are we happy with ourselves? Are we content with who we are? I feel that it is vitally important to be able to fully accept ourselves, who we truly are, and be content with it. Happy with who we are no matter what the flaws are. Other wise how can others see the real you, know the real you. Which brings up another thought, can people change. Do we really change? Maybe we just grow, but never change completely. Maybe we are who we are. I’ve tried to change, but still the same in so many ways. I know I’ve grown a lot, different than I was many years past. Yet still my basic nature is the same. Accepting who we are, and not changing for others is very difficult. Some times there is very little in life that is not difficult. So when you are alone. When no one is coming by to validate who we are, are we content with ourselves? Because all of us have flaws, and we shouldn’t need anyone to tell us we’re perfect. Perfection is not beauty; the most beautiful love is loving your partners’ imperfections. Accepting them for who they are, because they are content with their own self acceptance. Spicy

Friend? Where are you my friend Thought you’d be here until the end I will bend for you I will break Tell me what you wish to take I will act happy Look quick You see I can smile Just stay a while Abandonment fresh and new Addicted I would do any thing for you Leave me be Don’t talk any more Left for me only bruises Open sores Wounds can not heal From you I could not steal Took everything in the end Where are you my friend

You look like hell? Tears of sorrow Tears of pain All these tears I’ve cried Damaged from all your lies Screaming from inside Smiling though out All these years Can you feel my fears It all came true Evil little crimes How many fucking times I don’t need this I don’t need you How could you do this Why so cruel Don’t ask me why I look like Hell Why would you care It happens when you spend most your time there

You say you’ve lost yourself Well I’ve lost myself too I’m Falling again Dropping to the bottom Drowning all over again Love, Desire, Lust Is there a difference It’s hard to tell Can no longer feel Letting go for the last time Hating mistrust Almost as much as myself I wish to remain lost

How Good Is Love Can’t Work Can’t Sleep Can’t Think Can’t Escape It Burning though my veins Every thought of you Igniting another fire in my soul I Need It I Want It I Hurt For It Can’t Escape It Dieing for your touch Living for a chance To be inside you again Can’t Escape It Addicted To Your Soul Addicted To Your Hips Addicted To Your Heart Addicted To What’s Tearing Me Apart

So here are my thoughts for the day. For those of you who don't know, I parted ways with my wife of 13 years. Can’t Escape It Some Days In so many ways So unstable There was once a time Back there in that place Things I can’t Replace So, I go on In so many ways so wrong So unstable I couldn’t help it I shattered, I broke, Fell apart Just another used up heart I thought about ending it one day Hate living this way So unstable Not all my pieces would fit When I tried to put myself together Will I ever be better Over Two Years of Pain Every Day of my past a dark stain So fucking unstable What do you do Where do you go When the one you love You cherish Has murdered you What do you do Where do you go When you can breath with out them You can’t feel with out them You can’t let go I had to destroy myself Because I couldn’t live with myself I will all ways be unstable I am still unsure if she ever really loved me. Well that's enough crying for today Spicy