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Krissi's blog: "New To Fubar"

created on 10/11/2007  |  http://fubar.com/new-to-fubar/b140268

Some Reflections

Me and my boyfriend Shawn have been together almost 3 months now and I feel like I have been reborn...When Ron passed away (almost 2 years ago June 28th) I thought I would never open my heart up again and love but Shawn has shown me that indeed it's safe to love again..This was my first experience with death and losing someone close to you changes you in so many ways..I wonder, is it better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all? YES...Ron will always hold a very special place in my heart and in some ways, I will never be the same..His death was sudden- it seemed like a week before he became ill we were both living life to the fullest...sure, we didn't have alot of money or good jobs but we had LOVE and for us, that's all we needed..and in a second, it was all gone..so it seemed....I feel guilty even to this day sometimes when I find myself laying in Shawn's arms...I wonder if I deserve his love...was there more I could have done for Ron to help him? How come I cannot accept that the doctors did all they could for him and there was nothing left for me to do? I remember when they pronounced Ron dead feeling a piece of me leave with him....Ron always told me "Babygirl, if anything happens to me I will send someone special to love you"...he wanted my life to go on..for me to love again and in that I take alot of comfort..On Saturday I will be back home in New Jersey with my children and they will have someone new and special in their lives as well..I have lived with Shawn now almost 3 months and I feel he has alot to offer my children not having children of his own...a very good mentor...they need that in their lives..I look at all the mistakes that I made when Ron passed away and feel so ashamed..how I allowed many men to take advantage of my mourning/ my weak moments and almost as though I am looking down below..I feel like I'm on top of the mountain now..a long struggle to get where I am today and never will I fall again..I have learned through his death the strong and wonderful woman that I am...I am loved...
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