My Eyes only (that was my original title for this document.. I think it still fits.)
Life is painful and humanity is a joke.
I want to die more than anything.
Everything I was ever taught is a lie and I can't fucking deal with it.
I don't believe in christianity, I swear, I curse gods name for fuck sake...
I am nothing that my family wants me to be but I used to pretend so as not to hurt them.
Now I won't hide it if they ask me.. but I'm not running out to tell them..
If one of you finds this I'm sorry...
The point is everybody creates an image of me that isn't even close to reality.
They all think "he's a good kid and he'd never do anything wrong."
But I think about doing terrible things all the time.
I have considered murdering many people and made plans to do so in my head.
Every time I went to do it I stopped myself because I didn't want to hurt my family.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just gonna snap on a person.. so I'll hit inanimate objects so that I don't..
I think it's high time I started being happy rather than just exsisting.
All of my childhood my "father" used to tell me how to treat women right...
I'm glad I listened to my mother.
My brother thinks I'm some kind of saint becuase I've told girls no about sex before...
He's a bit of a joke: acting like nothings ever wrong all the while doing things he tells others not to...
My sisters are fun...
One is alot like our mother when she's angry though she would never admit it.
The other is delusional about how she acts and I'm not sure if she can see through the masks she wears.
My little sister has very little say in how she is at the moment.
Even though we don't have the same mother I still love my little sister.
I'd love to tell my family all of this so I didn't feel like such a fuck-up but, lets face reality; I'd be attacked by every one of them.
My mother would cry for weeks.
My brother would try to do something stupid like hit me... Then I'd have to hurt him physically...
My father would cry. Then say some random shit like "it's all my fault I'm so sorry blah blah" but, reality is I really don't believe any of it.
He's lied to me so many times before how could I ever trust his words without questioning them again?..
It isn't his fault that I don't believe in church anymore he just helped me realize it sooner.
In church I've tried to feel "The Spirit" but never ever ever have I actually felt anything more than some person PUSHING me over.
I confessed my junk to a friend and said the words but nothing ever felt any different and I wanted it to so badly...
So all I had left to do is lie so that everybody else would be happy.
As far as women go I'd never cheat I'd never lie to them and I just want them to be happy.
I try my hardest to be myself and it never seems to help with women.
If I lied to women then I could get laid all the time but, that's not worth it.
I just want my fairy tale ending... Love, Companionship.. Happiness. Is that too much?
Ok.. I'm done here. This is me.
