I am confused. I have "crushes" all over the internet. Shel, Kaylee, Mandy Lynn, Layla Beth, and Skeeter, to name a few from MySpace. And Fonda Cash..And Double Bubble, Mandy, Erika, PixieDustPrincess, Frankie and PixieKisses from Lost Cherry, again naming just a few. I think they're gorgeous, and sweet, and for most, unreachable. Which is fine. I can admire from afar and never worry about being hurt. Most of them are fantasies, anyway.
I consider myself a bright, intelligent, if smart-aleky nice guy. I know that there are issues with internet romances, and large age differences and all that. I know that relationships involving either are not necessarily stable, or likely to last, and I will probably get hurt. Or hurt someone else.
I try to stay objective OL, And removed. I got very involved with a woman from Mexico who went by Harley Blonde. She was a young, up-and-coming nude model, who had some prospects for her career. One day, after some of her more outwardly zealous fans lost control in a contest she was in and mail-bombed some of the site's managers (and I believe she did as well, unfortunately) She disappeared, saying only that she had to leave and there would be no lawsuit. I was in love with her - beautiful, sexy, outgoing, witty, bright (she ran her OWN website - coded it, uploaded everything herself). Some might say it was just a crush. "Just a crush" sound so belittling. I was devastated! I worked as hard as I could running a personal sight with updates on the contests she was in - she was very busy, with up to 30 contests one month), told her about other contests... then suddenly I couldn't get a word out of her! "Crushed" is what I was.
I find myself in a situation - not as "public" as with Harley, but still all on-line. She has a lot of guy "friends" other than me. She's very young, sweet (although angry at times), rather pretty, rather intelligent... Not perfect, but very attractive in many ways. If she was closer to my age, I would find her a real match in many ways to me. And I find myself attracted to her as it is. I have a hard time not thinking about her if I don't talk to her - I want to call her to make sure she's safe and not mad at me... You know, "just a crush." I am no spring chicken, by any definition. Again, I realize that my feelings are probably just because she's nice to me (well, she's very flirtatious, actually. And I am as well...)
My dilemma is that I have caught myself trying to find a way to go visit her (she lives in a neighboring state). Then I feel a bit like Humbert Humbert, or a poor J. Howard Marshall. I don't know whether to keep a tight rein on my feelings - rather like riding an unbroken bronco - or tell her how I feel about ther and follow through. She will likely read this, and I don't know how she'll react - I believe she has a crush on someone closer to her own age. And if the two of them get together, I will probably outwardly wish them well. Inwardly, however, I will want to tell her she should be with me.
I feel rather trapped by my own conscience and feelings. Most people would look unkindly on me for "taking advantage" of a "helpless girl" - who has enough spunk to kick your ass if she had the notion, and teases me because I react to it - and like it.
My heart is not indestructible - I've been married, and I've dated a woman who was borderline psycho (I give her credit for having some sanity, but the rest of my family tell me she is far more than unstable.) I have dated only one woman ever who was not manipulative, and I let her slip away. Left her behind. I don't regret it, because I believe she was not what I needed, and I was not right for her. I am - as many of us humans are - damaged goods. And I am lonely.
In writing this entry, I am not looking for sympathy or advice, really - just a little clarity. My heart aches for her - yet is it love, or friendship, or loneliness, or desperation or what? If she is sad, all I want to do is make her smile. I know, I know... there are lots of fish in the sea. I said early in this blog entry I will probably end up hurt... again. Ort hurting her...
I guess I will just sit here and wait for her to tell me goodnight...
Rock on!
Durham
