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Lovely BossDiva's blog: "So Much Pain"

created on 12/19/2011  |  http://fubar.com/so-much-pain/b345390

When I ask you to listen and you say there has got to be some way that I can solve the problem then have failed me unless you already know what else I am going to say. 

 Can you please just listen? All I asked is for you to hear what fuels my frustration, my heartache, my doubt, my pain. Don’t add your opinion, just hear me out.

Just listen I can do for myself I may be sensitive and faltering at times, but I’m not helpless.When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself without listening to me and understanding why, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

Once you accept the fact that I feel the way I feel, no matter how irrational. Then I can stop trying to convince you and I can start to look deeper and understand what is behind these feelings. When that is clear then the answers may be obvious and I won’t need advice. So please just stop and listen just hear what I‘m trying to say. Then if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you too.

 

 

Now all I do is just sit here in constant fear wondering what will happen will we ever be again.. Now that time has passed you have set your eyes on someone new, back when we thought we knew we were through, we both never really let go with eyes gazing back on yesterday in each touch, kiss & stroke we relived the fire & desire that never got cool. But now I'm like who the hell is she? Hmmm could this broad be lingering threat to me! And you act like I can't see whats staring right back at me and causing a rift in the reuniting of US better than ever before! No nicca I'm not just jealous don't get overzealous! She's the new boo that creates that smile that I once had on lock now she has the time that got me constantly looking at my clock trippin on why you didn't call yet, I knew you were cuddled up next to her as my tears soaked the pillow I drowned ever so softly in heartache and pain night after night knowing that I couldn't just say "sorry I was wrong" to make everything alright damn got my mind all over the place because your love is tight. So why aren't you sleeping here with me tonight? Nevermind I think I can grin and bare it, I won't stop loving you even though now you love us both, but you say your love for me is deeper & stronger so why do I feel weaker? Are you my kryptonite this passionate love is DYNOMITE! So I guess that's why am I about to explode waiting for you to walk through that door, I thought I could do this but maybe I just need more..

Trapped in the maddening grips of this pain is driving me insane. Knowing I caused you to hurt burns more than tears on open wounds. I turned into your December and forgot that you were my sunshine in June; I pray to see you soon your absence is killing me this emptiness is hollowing my heart and making me feel like a beautiful monster. In time I hope that you will believe that you have all of me and the coldness that I once showed you was not the real me that captured your precious love, it was merely a cult of the darker side of my personality, that I have rejected and released as I am surely becoming renewed through the blood of the lamb. Now all I have is dreams of what may come and dreading that maybe it’s all a dream or maybe it’s just a beautiful nightmare that I can’t be awakened from and if it is I pray I die dreaming of the joy that I once had in you. 

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