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SO long

It's been so long I am realizing how long it has been since my most recent rape. It will be THREE years on April 21, of 2007. Wow. I have tried so damn hard to push it out of my mind. To push away all the childhood incestual molestation, the other rapes...they all have hurt. They all have eaten away at me over time, however, the rape that occured in April of 2004 has made the biggest impact on me and left the deepest scars. I have kept saying "I have to heal. I have to get better. I am stronger than this." but I MEANT IT. The problem is, I can deal with most of that rape. The problem is there are parts of it I have BLOCKED purposely. I have done it out of fear and yet self protection. I want to make myself better, hence all the better eating and fitness exercising. I want to better myself. I want to be happy again and now that I have started feeling the joy, I know I DESERVE this. I hate reliving it. It hurts so damn bad to see it all again. I have started having flashbacks and nightmares again. This usually starts when the mind and the spirit is ready to start dealing with it. Which means that I cannot push these thoughts away. I need to find a quiet place to where I can let the memories come in...but try to control the speed...so that I can work my way through it all. Even things that I do not fully remember. Until I can face it, I cannot heal from it. I will constantly be afraid of running into Adam(the sick son of a bitch who did this). Until I heal, I will always hate him--and frankly, I dont want to hate anyone. Life is too short for this. I don't want to think of nothing but vengence. It isn't who I am. It isn't my purpose. I promise myself to keep going on the path to physcial healthiness. I will continue to eat healthy and to keep going to Curves at LEAST the required three times a week. I will not make excuses for not going since money is no longer a concern for it. I will be grateful to my mother for paying for a FULL YEAR at Curves so that I can have this wonderful chance to work on myself. To work on my mind, body and my spirit. I promise myself that I will no longer torment myself. I will NOT live in the shadows anymore. I am tired of it. I am tired of the mask. I am tired of lies. If I need help, or if I am depressed, I WILL let those who care about me know about it...so that I may seek the support and the security that I DESERVE. I promise myself that I will no longer blame myself for the molestations, the rapes, MY divorce, my PARENTS divorce, for dad's suicide attempts. I will not blame myself for my miscarriages, and I will not beat myself up over the abortion that resulted after my 2004 rape. I promise myself to recognize that I am worth loving, I deserve self respect and I am beautiful just as I am. I deserve happiness and joy. I deserve to be ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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