you know there are days that i feel alive. days that i feel i can do anything and everything. days that i feel like singing and laughing and dancing around in my home. days that i wake up and hear the birds singing. the whistles that radiate through my closed windows. days that i look at my boys and think i am the luckiest person alive. that everything i have done and do will be for them. i feel the unconditional love when they crawl on my lap and the truest words you can ever hear..."mommy i love you"...
I hear that and think where was i before they came into my life. i was a miserable, unhappy, didnt trust in life or love. i walked on earth and my tracks disappeared behind me. i was nobody. a scar on the face of humanity that people would laugh and joke about. a tumor that just ruined the face of something beautiful. i never walked through life, i crawled. i hid under brush when people walked by. at times i wish i had a knife ni could just cut their feet out from underneath them and let them wallow in the life i was destined to live. i did the whole self mutalation thing, i thought about how to do it, pills, razorblade, car at the bottom of the river. how would i do it. i walked around in the summer wearing pants so people couldnt see the scars on my legs. i wore things on my wrists to hide a dark secret. then it happened. i met someone that actually looked me in the eyes. i was so used to being looked at to be made fun of that i didnt know what to do. when people looked at my eyes i used to look down and hide my disgrace. but this time was different. i actually locked eyes with him. i thought what is he gonna make fun of me about. what fat jokes linger in his mind. it didnt happen. we talked, we looked at each other like we were the only ones in this world. i was blinded. hours turned into days, days into months and months into years. years turned to trying to have kids, when i decided that kids were not meant to be in my future it happened. just as my hope had been dashed and my legacy dwindled it happened. laying on that table listening for a cry. hearing the doctors talk and hearing the blood hit the floor. i look at him his eyes glistened with tears. i was birthing not only a child but a heritage to live past me. i heard a cry. tears streamed down my eyes. they brought him to me the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life. i had given life to a little boy who was breathing, crying, and trying to open his eyes. i cried for what seemed like hours. i had lots of family who came to the hospital, they werent there to see me they were there to see the baby. that was ok for me i had never been one to be in the spotlight, i left that job for people who could handle that pressure. then as days passed, my husband took the greatest care of me and my baby. he provided to my every whim and the baby's. then it started happening, his eyes would never look into mine. he seemed to look at me with disgust. a look that i knew well but had never seen from him. i scared me. years went by, and a baby was coming into the world again. we were somewhat happy. things were not the same this time. my doctors appts, were me, our phone conversations were limited to maybe 5 minutes at a time usually to find out how the oldest was doing. time went by, i was a mom to 2 wonderful loving boys. they made me laugh, cry, and get mad. everything that kids are supposed to do. but my relationship with their dad was fading. what would i do how would i live. we constantly joked about his other girlfriend, which in my mind i knew exisisted. so a few more years have passed and here i sit watching the snow fall on the ground, hearing my boys fight with each other and the opening montage of spongebob. i am a mom, i have an important job, i am responsible for how they will grow into adults. i need to be here to love, nuture, and give them the other things that children need to grow up healthy and happy. and in this time i have found my voice. i know what my needs are and i am an adult that can do what she wants knowing there are consequences to all my actions. i need love, i need touch, and i need affection. want the job?......
