S1K in the Head Parts's blog: "Random shit I'll make songs eventually"

Sometimes, I desire, most of all, to escape myself
To be free from a mind so negative out of habit
A hopeful spirit slightly broken down by a world that laughs at pain
A world where everything is taken for granted until it's gone
Vacant stares and empty smiles pasted on the facade
Of a broken, empty existence we call civilization
I wonder if perhaps I was born too soon or too late?
I do not fit. I do not belong.
I do not accept the surface as the whole
I love deeply for no reason other than any less is not love to me
I love many things in many ways, and yet no two in the same manner
I love the smile only my daughter sees, perhaps the last remnant of the child I believe I once was
I love the friends that care enough to ask if I'm okay
I want to find my place in the web
The strand upon which I may sit back and gaze out and claim accomplishment
That niche that only I can fill, and fill exactly as it was meant to be

I want to wake up as the person I was meant to become, before I become too jaded to care
I want to find a happiness for myself
Not the whole thing at once, just a part of it that is irrevocably mine
A start for something wonderful
A dream that stays past the first rays of the hateful sun
Sometimes I miss hellos, and I miss being missed
And then I feel a little petty for it
And perhaps more than a little selfish
And sometimes, I just wish they were there to remind me I matter
Maybe I don't, but I like to think I do

Sometimes it seems that distance makes the heart more distant instead of fonder
Safeguarding against the harsh reality of space and time continuing wihout you
And yet, I find the heart to be the most steadfast of my entire self
It doesn't care for days or miles, only for hello
I cares only for a smile it gets to see sometimes
It cares only for a little blonde head bobbing into the room asking a thousand questions
It cares only that someone it misses has missed it in return
And it makes the days feel like weeks when it feels that maybe no one does
Not bright, but energetic as always, that accursed heart of mine

I see a world of the lost seeking some form of perfection and missing it in the search
Perfect is an exquisite mixture of harmony and dissonance
Faults that accentuate the brightest sheen
Perfect is where the search for perfection ends and the embracing of the whole begins
And somewhere deep inside the whole that is me, waiting with bated breath
Is the reflection I've glimpsed in windows a thousand times
The smile the world sees and envies
The certainty that perhaps I am worth the struggle to learn, to grow, to believe in something
To hope for the sake of tomorrow that it will be the better day

And if the world ended tomorrow, what would it remember of me?
Would it remember the disenfranchised young mixed child with a need to belong?
Would it remember the torment of a teenager lost in the search for himself?
Would it remember the man that wanted nothing so much as to be a good father?
Would it remember me at all?
Would anyone?

Yes.

Would it remember the truth?

Only I can decide.

Would it understand?

One day, perhaps.

Would it know?

Only if I have the courage to speak it.

And what would I speak, you ask?

The simple facts of it are such:
I am not where I want to be, doing things I don't want to do
I am still searching for my right way to live
I am better than I was and not as well as I still hope to be
And, in whatever way it may develop or matter to those involved,
I think, in a way, that I have fallen in love
And if she reads this and still does not understand,
Then perhaps she will ask, and perhaps, I will let my heart answer her