My life has taken me far and wide and very short of where I wanted to be but still I am finding contentment. Cancer sucks and I hate going to treatment and I wish that it would just go away. But it doesn't and thus I go each week to get the shots that are helping me live. I have this new life in and around me and its unsettling. I live in this sleepy little town and do sleepy little town things like play in the leaves with my brothers and sister. I find joy in the fog that rolls in at night. Its a different type of Lullaby here than in Vegas and I am not certain which I am holding more dear to me. College starts in the fall and life moves on. The loves of my past have come and gone and come back again, but I am finding that the silence of being alone is bliss. I don't need any one to make me happy and whole--its happening with out them and with out me really trying. This place makes you breathe, granted walking through the woods to get to the neighbors house helps, but your heart and sould learn to breathe. Its an unusual feeling to have this calm engulf you the way that the fog engulfs the town at night. Here I have had to gain a trusting in myself and my own happiness because here I am very isolated. Not just cuz its a small town but because I am different than the people here and for that they silently tolerate my presense and leave me be. I have this past time now of analyzing everything I have ever done in my life and in the lives of others and find peace with my mistakes and joy in my triumphs. I really am forced to look at who I am and what I am and where I wish to be when I am finished here. This plae is its own world where I am safe to figure out my life and my past and the scarier part of the future. Here I will lose many things and hope to gain even more. People I once knew seem lost and misplaced in my life now, most times unneeded and unwanted. I don't want what my life was ever again. There are people who wanted me better more than I wanted it and now I want it more than they will ever know, for my own reasons and desires--which ironically have little to do with those people. The fog will be coming in soon, gotta go....
