The time is 4:13 am ...and my mind is racing.....
I'm sitting here listening to Deee Lite - what is love - holographic goatee mix -
Awesome bass line.....memories of the Red Zone club in NYC are flooding back.
The dance floor would normally be packed...but when this song would come on...
the floor would explode. Another song that would get the crowd moving was
Plez's - I can't stop - acid rain forest mix. I live in the past. It's all i know.
I associate everything now to then. It's when I was outgoing, somewhat social,
and dare I say, hip? On a Deee Lite tip, they ran a club called "More or S'more" that was
down the block from the Sound Factory. I ended up getting a job working there...and
sufficed to say I had a blast....good $ off the books, all the drinks I could handle (which
wasn't much and getting to hang out with Deee lite!). And even though they were well known at the time, they were down to earth and pretty cool to hang out with.
And now? And now...nothing. A grossly underemployed, underpaid , sleep deprived,
semi amusing, well spoken guy who offers nothing. I dream, and talk a good game.
But that's it. I know, deep down inside, I'm like a Hollywood set, looks wonderful on one side but go behind,delve deeper and there's nothing....
I wish, oh how I wish it wasn't like this...but it is.
I've been talking to someone special and I've poured my heart out to her. We love each other...but I'm afraid, and know that I can't make her happy. I can't make myself happy.
The old adage hold's true...if your happy with yourself, you can make others happy....or something to that effect.
So yes, I talk , and am somewhat charming, and offer a good story here and there...but what else is there? I'm no Adonis, nor a Valentino or pretty much anything. I'm me, and that ain't much. Oh there is much...baggage. Much weight, literally and figuratively. I'm a
mess. I'm self loathing, have low self esteem,etc. A pick of the litter. Best of breed, 1st in show.
So this young lady is coming to see me next week. Am i excited? Sure. Am I scared, you bet. All these thought's start running in...muddling up the thought processes. I then become very self concious, start questioning things, and avoiding. It's my modus operandi. And honestly (one must be honest) it pisses me off. What can I do to change it? What can I think to knock me out of this funk? I wish there was a "non thinking switch" I can toggle...perhaps with Annelid ver 2.1 there will be.
Dare to dream....
