I've slept so much recently that I shouldn't have to for at least a few weeks. Yet, I'm constantly tired. I'm not sure if it's tired more than just sheer boredom and or the constant feeling of being down. Sometimes the feeling of being down turns into anger, but it usually ends back where it started. I don't know what's wrong with me honestly. I think I should go and see a doctor about it, but I'm kind of scared to go. Some of you may know that I was in counseling here at the college for a while. They said that I had mild depression that seemed to drop down into the more deep areas of depression at times. All in all, I guess it just sums up to the fact that I'm an unhappy person.
The fact that I've been in this fucking room for so long that it makes me sick. I don't want to go home since the last time I went I had a fight with my mom. She ended up treating me like shit in front of a friend. She later apologized for it, then the next day when talking to my grandmother on the phone I hear her talking shit about how "I'm taking this too far". I had full intentions of going home and talking to her since she apologized and all that. I guess it wasn't a real apology since the next day she's bitching again. Fuck it.
I try to make plans, but everyone else is so damn busy. They all either have jobs or just a life in general. I'm trying to get a job but who knows when/if that will pan out for me. I sold a bunch of cards since I needed money badly, and now that money is running out too.
I fucked up again and lost my office for the house. We need a lot of leaders next year since we are losing a lot of the normal guys that are very integral in running things around here. I had many people tell me that I was going to have to step up and keep helping out with things around here. I fucked that all up though, I can't even handle my own grades let alone help run the fraternity. I had all these big plans and I screw it all up as usual.
I'm feeling alone almost all the time. I'm growing to despise pretty much everything. I generally only have some sort of fun when playing cards. I don't think I'm going tomorrow though, just doesn't seem to be all that appealing to me right now. I'll just end up sitting here like every other day. Not that it matters, I lose track of what day it is pretty regularly with all the sleeping. The days just kind of blur together. The only reason why I know that today is Thursday is because I thought I was going to have some things to do. All 3 of my plans for the day fell through, so ya know I slept.
I don't know how I feel anymore about most things, especially my relationships with people (both romantic and friendship whise, not that the romantic part matters). I need people to spend time with, but at the same time people in general are pissing me off more than normal. I've almost snapped on people many times in the last few days. I just don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I'm to the point that I'm almost willing to go and see what/if anything is wrong with me to get the medication or whatever so that I can at least be happy for a bit. I'm most definitely rambling here so I guess I'm done. If I remember something then I'll post it later. I probably bitched about it all though already. That's another thing, I feel like a fucking bitch with the way I'm acting, trust me I know already. Some people make that very clear.
Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
(forget each other's names) forget each other's names,
And just walk away.
Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.
This is probably the best,
Not to mention the worst idea,
That I have ever had.
Ignoring what we've loved,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
What do you say?
We say what we feel,
Then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
We just walk away.
Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
Forget each other's names,
Can we please just walk away?
It could be... could be...
Like we never knew each other at all.
Answer me!
All egos aside, what do you say?
Chiodos - Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on the Creek
