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vagabondshadow's blog: "real talk"

created on 07/05/2009  |  http://fubar.com/real-talk/b302470

Silent Cell Phone Complex

I’m so disappointed… in people, once again.  What is a “friend?”  That word doesn’t exist in my life… By my definition, I don’t know what it feels like to have a friend.

I always imagined that friendships would be “even”.  In other words, both sides of the street are equal, instead of being a one sided road.  People use that cliché saying, but they don’t live up to it.

Perhaps I’m the fool for upholding the “fairness” in the relationship.

I’m starting to think that relationships are closer to being pimps and bitches.  You’re either the pimp, the big dog, or you’re the bitch, who ends up being the slave.  There is no, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.  There’s only, I scratch your back, then you run off after feeling relieved.  Why are people so selfish like that? Time and time again, I’ve observed people… humanity is failing.

Everyone is only looking out for themselves.  I know I’m the fool because I look out for other people, and I end up getting fucked over.  It’s so sad.  It’s the silent cell phone complex.  That’s what I’ll call it.

Why that name?  it’s because I carry around this cell phone that never rings… unless someone needs a favor or help with something.  I try something as simple as trying to coordinate a dinner before I deploy… no one’s around.  Wow! What the Fuck just happened?

I’ll tell you what happened.  People are too self-absorbed in their own little worlds.  It’s all about them.  I remember I used to call people all the time.  I spent quite a bit of time with people.  I felt like I had “friends”.  If they had trouble getting to a place, I gave them a ride (no gas money ever).  They needed to talk about how bad their job is, I listened… then…  I run into some problems of my own.  Maybe I had a bad day… maybe I need someone to talk to.  Surprise! No one to help me out.  Whatever happened to that two way street?  Big fucking surprise… doesn’t exist except in fairytale land.

The test…  Stop calling people for a couple weeks.  Let them call you.  See who calls and for what reason.  That’ll show you who are real friends and who’s just using you.  Sadly, for me… the list of real friends is near non-existent.  It was all a façade, just a bunch of people riding on my coat tails and looking for hand outs. 

So… I keep my cell phone, I’ve had the same phone number for years.  In fact, I’ve kept the phone from a state which I lived in only a year or so.  Just so that if anyone still kept my number, it would be the same.  Maybe there’d be a, “omg it’s been like forever, how’ve u been” call? Still hasn’t happened.  It’s been 7 years…

I know that once I started looking at relationships a different way, I started to change myself.  I used to be afraid to see movies alone, or go to a sit down restaurant alone.  But now, I do that, 99.9% of the time.  One could say, “Don’t you miss the dinner conversations?”  My response would be, “oh, you mean that one sided conversation where all that happens is I hear someone bitch and moan the whole time I’m trying to enjoy a decent meal.  Or, I end up wasting hours of my time, trying to coordinate into other people’s schedules.  What about MY time!!!???  Well, I solved that problem.  Sadly, it’s at the expense of ignorance.  I’ve grown to see people in a different kind of light.  The kind of light that reveals too much about the truth.  The cell phone stays silent…

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