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the past....

kinda sucks that my first blog on here is a sad ,shitty one.The only people up are,u guys so who ever reads this,thanks for listening.Im not askin for comments or support i just need to vent it out a 'lil. So,im sitting here cause i cant sleep.So many things are goin through my mind...but the most important is tomorrow morning.For those of u whom know me outside of here know my struggle and battle everyday.Well, tomorrow morning is the day i get to fess up to the horrible,unfair,so wrong things that i have done to my body for the past 13 yrs.Its fucked up how we do things that we know r so wrong and hurt everyone around us and do nothing but keep on keepin on.Its fucked up how we avoid a situation if we know the outcome and dont like it.But,at last,it does catch up to u.Its too late. So,to not go into details anymore than i really want to i have had a serious eating disorder for 13 yrs.Im not ashamed and im not proud.Im me.And everyday i have to wake up and look in the mirror and wish it would all go away...doesnt work that way.I have to wake up and try to teach my beautiful daughter that this isnt healthy and isnt right.Everyday i have to preach to the world what i dont practice.Im very,very,very disappointed in myself and mad(so,so,mad!!) So,tomorrow mornin i face the music and have to go some place i have put off for 2 yrs.,cause well,i know what they are gonna say.Its really humiliating....... So,yeah.If i could turn back time and well,never stuck my fingers down my throat for that first time.If i could just go one day without steppin on the scale....But,it is what it is.U make ur bed and u lay in it.2 tears and a bucket,fuck it and take it to the stage! So like i said,im not askin for the im so sorry comments or wooo,wooo,wooo is me.At this point in my life i dont need help.I needed to let it out so i can maybe get some sleep things can only get better.....
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16 years ago
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