A discrepancy between my behaviour/the impression that I give, and what I say has been inadvertently brought to my attention. (Yes, yell "HYPOCRITE!!!!!" at your leisure you hater pricks).

To that end...herewith an early Christmas blog...fuck Halloween, we don't have Thanksgiving, get with the programme arseholes.

I don't much like Christmas (biggggggggg surprise huh?). For many reasons, but the pertinent one is the focus on the dollar value/status of a present versus the act and thought of giving...I may've given the impression that I ascribe to that thinking. Nothing could be further from the truth.

To THAT end...I haz an idea :D

DON'T RUN AWAY YET

The idea is kinda simple...I want to give stuff to you fucks for Christmas. Because I'm at the arse end of the world, I have to get organised now. I also don't want to spend a lotta money cuz...well just cuz. I also like the idea of others giving. Rather than begging for addresses (for me, begging is more akin to 'harassment' or 'demanding with menace', just ask any green peeps)...I thought I'd just throw it open...

So it's this - it's sort of 'pay it forward Christmas'...the no/low cost interwebz variety.

I have offers of assorted things I can give...you can ask for something, or throw in your own ideas...if you want something, you have to offer something of your own up...not back to ME, but up for taking by somebody else (could be specific or general).

Confused yet? Good, so am I...but I figure it'll all work out in the wash...

To add to the mix, I was spring-cleaning...which gave me the wonderful idea of REGIFTING...I never regift, cuz even if it's something sucky, the person that gave it to you isn't...and cuz on this island there's a high chance of it being seen to be in different hands...what are the chances of that shit being spotted by the gifter 100000000000000 miles away, right?

Also, given that some of you may not be willing to trust with your physical mailing address, there should be online options...THERE'S SUCH A LOT TO COVER HERE

Rules as I see 'em:

- nothing from the fubar shop (including VIPs, HHs etc)

- no tits/arse salutes (seriously if that's all you can come up with you're on the wrong person's page)

- nothing expensive or demeaning

- give as much as you get

Soooooo, here's MY ideas (just ideas not demands)

Things I can send:

- beautiful rimu egg cupboard (wooden cupboard wot has a shelf for eggs...any questions as to 'why?' will have to be answered by my beautiful but misguided sister-in-law)

- assorted hair products and accessories wot have only been used once or never before being put in the back of the cupboard (some of the more complicated accessories have some dents wot I don't remember why)

- real silver fern from out back of my garden (silver fern is the NZ symbol)

- something shiny from a clean out of my jewellery boxes wot I would give to my niece who would probably lose it anyways

- homemade and rather fantastic bath salts/lotions, scent of my choosing

- homemade herbal infused vinegars or oils

- book or books wot I think you might like but have not read

- various knick-knacks and crap wot I put in boxes cuz I don't want to break

- Pinky Bars, Crunchies, Jaffas, Pineapple Lumps (confectionary wot we have but you do not have and no sponge candy is not hokey pokey and hokey pokey is better and fuck you, you didn't invent it)

- boxes wot are made with seashells and stuffs

- candles and candle holders what I never use (Helly is verboten from requesting this due to fire risk)

Things online

- picture of silver fern from out back of my garden (please ask for this before I have to rip it apart)

- picture of the part of my back garden wot most closely resemble's helly's LOUNGE

- personalised laundry-pile salute - customised to your preferences as to height, clean/dirty, towels/sheets...hell I'll even separate the whites for the racist pricks

- 10 mins of me telling someone what you think but pretending it's what I think, put in my own inimitable style

- audio recording of me telling someone to go fuck themselves

- picture of my mum being introduced to the spelling abilities in an average Fubar MuMM

- follow-up picture of my mum being led away forcibly as she tries to correct all the spelling at once

- side by side photoshop of my mum and Hellyion so you can decide for yourselves whether they look alike (I am a dead woman walking)

Things I may (or may not) want:

- :o salute from Jasmine wot I am owed

- picture of Helly's LOUNGE with 99% of the crap removed

- picture of my initials spray-painted or shaved into your cat

- picture of your face after the cat has finished with you

- maple leaf, eagle feather (ha!), or some such symbol of your country/state/province

etc

etc

If you don't want anything/don't wish to join in, that's fine...just try and get your head out of your arse and consider whether you could actually have fun with this...that's all I ask :)

Oh and if you can't do that, try not to piss on my parade - I'll shove a virtual umbrella up your arse :)

Say a prayer this blog doesn't end up in the great internetblogheaven that my last one did (h)