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oct 26, 2008

i'm homesick..... i miss my mom, nothing in particular about her just her. being able to drive to her house unannounced and just chill and talk or relax just knowing she is right there next to me. i miss my sister, her rapid way of talking and retail therapy./ damn i need some serious retail therapy with my seestur.... she always finds the best shit at the cheapest price. i miss my tyra, our weekly trips to the ale house for loaded fries and boy talk. i miss my maranda, fucking crazy bitch always cracks me up and jugo with his calm logic ways. hell i even miss audrey and 7-eleven. yes i miss my old job..... i felt like i was somebody back home. people knew me and liked me and i fit in even though im a weird ass person. i miss my kids and even though if i was there i still wouldnt be able to see them but i'd feel better knowing i was close by. i have been here for 9 months now and still dont know anyone except cyber people which is really sad. i dont have any friends, i dont go out. i go to work and home... damn i thought that was my life back home but i am realizing i actually had a life back home and miss it horribly. im in debt more now then ever and feel like i will never get out of it. sure i might be caught up on my car but then i just move to another debt.... i have to count pennies for gas just to go back and forth to work, and i dont even buy my smokes or shit. hell i cant buy my smokes... i've cut down alot too... used to smoke at least a pack a day and now i've managed to cut down to making a pack last 2-2 1/2 days if i am working. might as well make the leap and just quit.... i've had to quit so many other little happies in my life what's one more right? i'm falling into a deep depression and i hate it. havent felt this way since i was with modesto and i honestly think its a little worse this time cuz i dont even have my friends and family close by to cheer me up. seems like no one here knows me or even wants to know me or care about me. well i came here to grow up and become independant and even though financially i am dependant on my roomates family for rent and food i guess mission accomplished cuz i am all alone out here... 100% independant emotionally... i've realized i have no one here and will probably never have anyone out here that i can go to to share my feelings i mean truely share my feelings uninterupted and without judgement or comparisen to their feelings or lifestyle. i might not work some huge ass job for a bajillion hours a day but i do work, and it is hard work, at least for me, and i do get stressed... but i keep it to myself cuz it doesnt do any good to try to talk about it. i miss my mommy, she would sit there quietly drinking her coffee and just let me unload everything tears and all and then when i was finished give me her 2 cents and tell me it will be alright.
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