Rae Rae's blog: "Shadows"

People walk around in their own world bound Ignore the pain it will drive you insane Pretend to be fine your pain is just like mine School is an escape from hate, abuse and rape I sit alone filled with passion I hide the scars in a quiet fashion At home we drink and smoke to forget we will always have to deal with it Everyone suffers in their own way some think it's the best their life to pay Some it helps to talk it never makes my suicidal thoughts stop They always ask why maybe for some it's tiring to live the lie If only is a constant thought if it were that easy an answer would be sought There are so many ways to deal most don't involve the world real

I hate you for ignoring me I hate you for hurting me I hate you for liking me I hate you for kissing me I hate you for turning me inside out I hate you for doing nothing I hate you for caring I hate you for trying I hate you for looking at me I hate you for not looking at me I hate you for our good times I hate you for our bad times I hate you for being so nice I hate you for being a dick I hate you for never knowing what you'll be like when I come home I hate you for being there when I got home I hate you for the walls I've built I hate you for the crack in those walls I hate you for not coming to my games or shows or academics I hate you for cheering me on I hate you for your problems I hate you for my problems I hate you for the sickness you have I hate you for giving it to me I hate you for not talking to me about your issues I hate you for sharing those issues I hate you for coming to visit me in the hospital I hate you for not calling me when I got out of the hospital I hate you for wanting to take away my pain I hate you for not taking it away I hate you for helping me I hate you for not helping me I hate you for making everything so hard I hate you for not making things hard enough I hate you for teaching me things the hard way I hate you for trying to give me everything on a silver platter I hate you for telling me to never say I'm sorry I hate you for making it a thought when I do something wrong I hate you for not fixing my problems I hate you for not letting me help to fix your problems I hate you most of all because I love you This was not about one person but many.

Why do people think they understand my pain they know nothing, they think from it I gain My outside shell is happy and gay but I think about suicide everyday I seem like I complain about my past people suffer worse but still they last If life were easy faith wouldn't be needed With God I know I've pleaded Tears can't be shown my father made that known I hold back and hide my feelings no one knows that fake me they're seeing Love is the answer to my hurts I sit here and watch silently from my perch I quietly observ the passers by knowing they have no clue I want to die I'm always smiling and saying hi on the inside all I do is cry Sometimes it's like all I do is fight I hate it but love it, my thoughts at night Tears can't be shown my father made that known I hold back and hide my feelings no one knows that fake me they're seeing

Sometimes life is hard and sometimes life is easy just like spinning round it can make you queasy People can be cruel and people can be nice occasionally youre wrong, occasionally youre right At times I sit and stare my thoughts all full of wonder knowing all the time my birth was just a blunder I tire of myself and everyone around thinking of what happens after were six feet underground Is there one true God or is he even real I think that if he does exist he doesnt really feel For all the trouble the world is in are we expected not to sin If we were made to live and die what was our purpose in his eye To spread the word and do his will while all this time we all are ill As hate is spread and only our outsides read it seems as if no one uses their head We all are equal, we all bleed the same is it fair to judge a person because of their name Appearances mean everything to most people today no one really listens to what another has to say The news shows so much hate and little positive action the good is overpowered, they only show a fraction Sometimes life is hard and sometimes life is easy just like spinning round it can make you queasy People can be cruel and people can be nice occasionally youre wrong, occasionally youre right.

Bittersweet melodies that swirl in my head Bittersweet melodies lyrics of the dead Hate and love Below and Above Time is a killer while killers do time This is a rhyme, a rhyme of mine As drops fall from fingertips Her eyes see but never flinch That tub filled with blood tainted water Her life is no longer that fucked up teeter and totter When will they find me, when will they see Looks are decieving, that image wasn't me You pushed and you fought and you shoved it all down While I watched and I swollowed not making a sound Then you shaped and you molded and you liked what you got While I watched and I changed and suppressed my real thoughts Then you tortured and you teased me and refused not to beat me While I suffered and I hurt and I hid so none could see You kept up you doings and continued your flow I talked to everyone yet they didn't know I defended and loved you no matter the cost You didn't even know that I was so lost I never showed you my poems nor any of my art Knowing what you saw would tear us apart Through all of your hate and all of the pain Not once did you ever hear me complain My outside was calm and always showed as sane My internal a fire, a self image of distain I always cleaned your evidence from every single crime Usually so filled with hate, yet nice from time to time. You never said I'm sorry or you'd try to change your ways I never made it known that I was counting days I'd write it in my head or hide it somewhere safe My private little plans not even you could take My lifeless body in that blood tainted water My life no longer that fucked up teeter toter When will they find me, when will they see That bright and smiley face could never be me Blood flows from wrist to hand I can honestly say no one will understand