I am self destructive. Do you know what that means? Have you ever finally reached a moment when it has become O so real? Several days without sleep and being treated like crap I can actually say that I know that I am self destructive. Now that I see it, how do I make it stop?
Have you ever seen that someone has become self destructive but not really understood why? Read this…maybe it will explain me and others like me:
~~~~~ Women seeking recovery from self destructive behaviors frequently find their progress blocked by the previously unrecognized impact of psychological trauma, loss, childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, sexual assault, and patterns of emotional or physical abuse as well as self neglect in adult relationships.
Too often the woman trying to recover from self destructive behavior finds herself in a revolving door of treatment / self-help / relapse because the core processes of her psychological and emotional development have not been attended to. ~~~~~
I read this and I see me….I see me plastered into words…I have suffered through every bit of that. I know I have become self destructive, more so since I moved out on my own. No one can make me happy but me, I know that…I realize that. But being happy within yourself and with someone is that but a dream…a wish….a desire…too much to seek? I can not bring anyone happiness anymore than they can bring me happiness but shouldn’t we share happiness?
I was talking to a great friend this morning when my reflection in the mirror hit home and hit HARD!! (thank you habbb) I told him that I feel as though I am walking a tight rope without a net. I feel as though I am just biding my time til I hang myself. Hurt myself and those I love beyond any kind of repair.
How do you think someone acts out in self destruction? Is there only one type? Harming oneself…perhaps other avenues….repeats of past pain in ones life. The feeling that you are not worthy of anything or anyone but shear pain and mistreatment of yourself.
I could share my own self-destructive behaviors but those are my demons that I must conquer. I know them and I see my behavior. Now I must find my cure. I am on my own. I am responsible for me. Will it take getting hurt so bad that I may see the scars for many years to come? I hear and see it all….it is right there in the mirror in front of me. But the answers are no where to be found, not yet. I just hope that I find them before I find myself hanging from a rope and regretting everything.
Who holds my future in their hands? No one….No one but me. But who helps support me along the way….that grows and changes everyday. Some bring me down while others help lift me up. I only can hope that I bring one tenth of that to others.
