Secrets of Sexy Marriages
In every relationship, levels of sexual desire for both partners fluctuate. Some stages are predictable: when you first marry, after you have a child, when the kids leave home, when job pressures persist. These are all times when sexual moods and patterns of lovemaking may shift. Knowing this, and being confident enough to talk about it, strengthens intimacy. Couples with the sexiest marriages:
1. Remember that sex problems are sometimes red herrings. Understanding that impotence is a common problem at every stage of marriage is the first, and highest, hurdle most couples have to clear. Talking about the problem can be reassuring and often lessens the anxiety for both partners. In fact, the more both partners worry about the problem, the more intractable it becomes. However, wise couples recognize that impotence can also be a wake-up call, a signal of stress somewhere in the relationship. Instead of banishing feelings of frustration, unhappiness, or emotional overload -- at work, at home, with your kids or other family members -- ask yourselves if something is bothering one or both of you. Sit down and talk about issues in a nonconfrontational, nonjudgmental, and unhurried way. Once Cindy and Dan found the courage to talk, the episodes of sexual stage fright disappeared.
2. Don't save affection for the bedroom only. Couples whose sex lives bring them the most happiness eroticize their lives -- that is, they give affection physically and verbally through the day in different ways. They touch. Whether it's reassuring or frantically passionate, touch makes the difference between making love and having sex. Touch is a reflection of what you feel inside: You can convey desire, appreciation, delight, a sense of safety as well as boredom, resentment, or anger.
3. Make time for love. Sexy wives know that lovemaking is a habit: The more you do it, the more you like it, and the more you like it, the more you do it. They make lovemaking a top priority, and if that means scheduling sex, so be it. It won't be any less exciting just because it's planned. Sexual excitement feeds on itself. Just do it.
4. Talk every day. Even if it's just 10 minutes in the morning and 10 at night, voice your love. Call each other pet names, remember to say goodbye and good night. Be sure that you don't fall into the mind-reader trap of assuming your partner knows or should know what you're thinking and feeling simply "because he loves me." Those in a healthy, sexy marriage make a point of expressing their feelings and their attraction to each other on a regular basis.
5. Kiss often. We're not talking a perfunctory peck on the cheek but a deep, sensual, teasing kiss. Many longtime couples rarely kiss at all, going straight to intercourse when they have sex. Don't you remember the backseat? The cool, dark movie theater and the thrill of making out? Steal a kiss!
6. Have adventures. Instead of sex behind a locked bedroom door, these couples make love at the beach, in the car, in the shower, on the living room floor. They keep their eyes open during sex -- and sometimes leave the lights on -- because they know that watching their partner's eroticism makes sex easier.
7. Break the rules. Ask yourself: What ruts have we fallen into and how can we get out of them? Explore changes, even small ones, with which you both feel comfortable. Don't nix ideas automatically; instead, be willing to experiment with videos, sex toys, and magazines.
8. Learn what pleases. Know what you like and don't like in bed -- and make sure your partner knows, too.
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be saved
