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DJ TXI DI's blog: "Scribblings"

created on 08/21/2008  |  http://fubar.com/scribblings/b240315

Another Lonely Night

I hate feeling so down especially when you can't even pinpoint the reason for feeling that way. Then you can't even talk about it, because there is nothing to talk about. Plus when everyone else around you has their own things to worry about and you don't want to burden them with your stupidity. Things should improve with time. I can only hope for the best, right?
All my life I was teased and dubbed the chubby girl. Sure, I had my friends and slight passing romances, but I felt like nobody was ever going to love me for who I was, not who they thought I could be. Until he came along. He had the smile that could melt you right in your tracks and the bluest eyes I had even seen. Just one look from him sent my heart racing. He charged right into my life and I was instantly swept off my feet. I was young and naive and he was the first person that I felt ever truly gave me the time of day. So, when he asked me to marry him that one cold winter night. Who was I to say no? He had been there for me and had put up with me. In a way I felt sort of like I owed it to him. Shorly after getting with him; the person I had fallen in love with started vanishing. It was replaced by this cruel creature that made my skin crawl. I started making excuses for him though. Little did anyone around me know, he had drug problems. Whenever he was in need of a fix; he treated me like shit. Really made me feel low about myself and tormented me about my weight. Yet, he would always apologize and cry. Forcing me to feel sorry and slightly blame myself for what was going on. We married when I was only 17 years old (with permission of my mother) he was 21. When we got married and moved into our own place; that is when it went down hill and home life was true hell. I constantly felt like I had to tip-toe around and make myself semi-invisible in order not to send him on one of his rampages. In the end I realize all this was a learning experience. Sure, I had to learn the hard way but sometimes thats what it takes to get a wake up call. (When people around me had started noticing what was going on; I once again quickly started making excuses for him.) Never again will I let someone put me down and abuse me because I think they are worth it and I owe something to them. I don't regret going through what I did; I know it had made me a stronger person and someone who wont settle for less then when she actually deserves. I have since trimmed down to a comfortable weight; sure I am still slightly chubby but I am proud of what I accomplished and I am at a healthy weight. I no longer have contact with my ex-husband because he is not the type of person I need in my life. I don't hate him because I did learn a lot from him. I learned what kind of person I don't wish to ever become and I also learned who my true friend were (those who stuck by me when I needed them the most).
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