Save us from these acceptable evils
Like all good Pagans, I have been following the recent exchanges over the obvious existence of the Goddess, the insidious Muppet's Christmas Carol with its seditious monotheistic undertones, and the ever-popular debate on whether or not the intolerant will burn for all eternity in a well-deserved unpleasant afterlife of their own choosing (assuming they choose to believe in an afterlife; we do of course accept and welcome those people who believe that death is oblivion).
Yet, there are equally reprehensible practices and traditions present in our Pagan society that have somehow become acceptable, but represent a real threat to our ideals and way of life. I have made a list of these so that we might be prepared to deal with each one.
1. Santa Claus -- to be sure, he is a jolly personification of the God, but how many of us know that in former times, he used to be a symbol of Christmas, a festival of an oppressive, murderous monotheistic religion?
2. Bar Codes -- These innocuous looking lines now present on nearly every retail item translate into 666, the symbol of one of the gods in the Christian pantheon. And 666 is an inferior version of Crowley's 777. All items bearing this code should be stacked and burnt.
3. Yule trees -- Although sympathetic magic is a valid expression of our tradition, these trees were used in former times as part of a bizarre Christian ritual that is too unholy to explain here.
4. The Beltane Bunny -- Although this symbol of fertility and lust seems innocuous to us, it used to be a Christian symbol of their Easter blood festival, which celebrated the painful death by torture of their prophet and a bizarre theology involving divine condemnation and then forgiveness.
5. Lupercalia -- the festival we now celebrate was taken over by the Christians, who forever tainted it by naming it after one of their saints. Another symbol of monotheistic assimilation that should be banned.
6. Television psychics -- these people are frauds, and lead our young away from the true arts of divination and ESP. Their motivation is money, not truth, and they present a danger to people who may be led into believing them.
7. Condominiums -- There is no need for these sinful and disgusting ways of living. They don't have back yards for growing interesting mushrooms, and you can't paint them funky colours.
Pagans of North America, these are but a few of the accepted evils that are entrenched in our society, and we must forcibly remove these offensive trends, crush them underfoot, tear them asunder, stamp them out entirely, attack the very root so that we may live in boredom.
