born in 1983 i was a man of simple tastes

my parents were a rocket launcher and a bengal tiger, artificially insemination hath brought a degenerate with a terrible sense of humor with no tact nor compassion


i have two sisters, one is the indian ocean the other is an anthropologist who lives in savannah georgia

i am an industrial engineer which means i craft things out of metal
which is ironic considering i'm so fucking metal my dick fires out titanium chards jk ladies i can't cum

i drink a lot, i'm even typing this whilst betwixt alcoholic beverages i don't do drugs because they seem boring, unless you count pills... then i do lots of drugs

i have 53 tattoos and i'd rather have them all removed by a cheese grater than actually talk to you about any of them or respond to a "nice ink" comment

i'm a whiskey sipping gentleman, and by sipping i mean shots, and by gentleman i mean lush
i live in a suburb of boston which means that i have an irreproachable amount of prejudices
my favorite all time tv show is M*A*S*H*
i run a music website on the side
its widely successful, i blast animals with fire extinguishers in an effort to teach them a lesson
if you are reading this you either mistook my picture as one of an attractive gentleman OR i pissed you off in some way
in which case HAHAHA you're a dick and whatever you like sucks dick


heres 10 fun facts you can probably already see

1 i like nachos, a lot

2 i hate my family and my friends almost as much as i hate myself for letting my relationships with them all but wain to nothing but impersonal passing conversations, most notably my mother and my sisters, my mom looks at me as a tenant in her apartment who never signed a lease and subconsciously holds resentment towards me for never panning out as a writer or any real success of any imagination, my sisters my whole life looked to me for support and i was too stupid and naive to say anything that i actually scolded one of my sisters when she told me that she had been raped, my other sister looks at me as a fired bullet and i've been told by my friends that "she waits for me to die so she can finally mourn me"

3 i like shitty shallow movies and over the top pretentious music, i think i'm above tv which is completely laughable because i dvr wrestling to watch every week because it makes me feel like i'm 11 years old, which is all i want to be

4 i have a false sense of entitlement and i generally over rationalize things i don't have any business talking about in the first place, i offer opinions no one needs, or wants to hear, i say i've read things i haven't, say i've listened to music i haven't said i've seen movies i haven't, i told someone i read confederacy of dunces once and i don't even know what that is, yet i still told them i hope they never make that into a movie because "hollywood would ruin it"


5 i hurt my knee in high school and have gained significant weight since then, the knee injury forced me to stop playing basketball and baseball to any capacity i used to be able to and i use that as an excuse to never work out anything besides my arms and even then i am only doing that to convince myself that i'm not a completely handicapped person

6 i dropped out of college because i wasn't smart enough for the courses meanwhile i told myself i was smarter than everyone to justify why i was beginning to slump into a more comfortable life of underperformance i say underperformance like i should've done better than this, but in all reality i couldn't do better than this

7 my eyes change color

8 no one cares that my eyes change color because i'm a socially repugnant human being with a debilitating alcohol and prescription pill habit that send me into vicious self loathing cycles much like fucking chasm of one that i'm typing this from right now, i have the nerve to look down on people who go out to clubs and have fun and the recreational drug users because i never was comfortable in either setting, so rather than just accept thats what some people do i have the fucking nerve to lie and say they are the people who are empty inside

9 i was going to be a writer, "was" is a pretty key term here because now i'm such a unimaginative yutz that i couldn't even begin to write dialog with out blatantly ripping off Kerouac or try to describe any scenery with out ripping off Fitzgerald, so basically i'm a hack with out even the novel idea of what story to rip off but who cares because i'm not an experienced knowledged person who has any perspective on anything OTHER than baseball but there are already 20 guys in every city smarter and better than me at writing about baseball so who could begin to give a shit as to what drivel i would write about

10 i'm a piece of shit and i'm not worth your time, if you don't realize it now talk to me for a couple weeks and you'll figure out what a complete needy non-adult slacker complacent apathetic piece of shit i really am and you'll put walls up to separate yourself from such a lost cause






I've given every thing I can.
There are no heroes left in man.