JennJenn's blog: "Sat 4/25/09"

I am dating Chris, Cdub. Recently i have had a lot of females try to strart drama between him and i and say that im not the only one and that they are with him and what not. and i have girls that are blocking me and hating on me because im with him. i know nothing of u females nor do i care to know anything of you females. i dont care if he talks to you or if he flirts with you. i care if he touches u. i care if he travels to see you. i am confident in me and my relationship that it wont happen. he tells and shows me that he cares about me and wants me. im tired of everyone tryin to sabatoge it because yall didnt work out. so what?! move the fuck on! i care about him a lot and ill do what it takes to make sure we work. im not going to jump to conclusions when someone says they are dating too or going to get married. im sorry if you are going to get married you should know what his damn work schedule is. everyone just needs to back off. seriously. 

so things have change drastically in my life. some things havent changed...and never will change. for instance my best friend jessie. ya she will alwyas be my best friends. things seem to be getting a lil better but nothing will be fully better until they get a new safe place. one that you know wont be taken away and that they can afford. they just got two dogs....cause my niece is spoiled and get what she wants. the first dog was horrible. biter and didnt act like a fuckin pup. just layed around. and then the pom is 7 yrs old and sooo cute. well i guess the both of them get along great and yea they have two dogs. i love her tons and im SOO Happy she is my friend!!!

one new thing in my life is my boyfriend, Chris. yup he is pretty much amazing and almost always on my mind. i sorta kinda really like him but SHHH dont let him know :) im excited to watch our relationship grow. he is very sweet and caring and he is there when i need him to be. plus he rocks my world in bed so on top of being cute, kind, happy, hilarious, and amazing why wouldnt i want to be with him!? :) since its 1 am tonight is my birthday dinner and he will get to meet everyone tonight. he has already met jes so just a few more to meet lol.

another new thing in my life is that jolene is NO longer my friend. she choose to be a liar and cheat and take my advice and throw it out the window. well thats ok. i dont wanna see her marry troy for the wrong reasons and then end up divorcing him. it just suck cuase its like u know ur going to cheat on him you have always cheated on him you think a ring and a house and everything you always have wanted will stop that from happening?! hello!!!!!! if you not 100 satisfied then you will look other places. thats what humans do. instead of trying to fix the problems they look for ways out to make the problem seem better but in reality be WAY worse casue they are cheating. i used to do bad things back in the day, not anymore ive grown up and changed, but i have NEVER been engaged to someone and especially never had a back up booty call ready. so w/e let her spend daddy's money and then have to turn around and ask for more cause 3 years from now she is divorcing him!

other than that most of everything the same. i do nt really talk to tennessee anymore :( i found out he had a gf when i called and she answered the phone. talk about shock! still working like always. except we been so dead at night i dont really call it working. i call it 8 hours of doing w/e i wanna do. its nice but it sucks cause im scared they are going to start cutting back second shift! lets hope not!

well im off here for now. chat with my baby for a lil while then head to bed. figure out what imma do tomorrow while he is workin so im not sitting around twiddling my thumbs! :)

i am an emotional wreck right now. im sitting home alone on 4th of july at 11:46pm, my bestfriends sis in law basically is 3 hours away dying, and there is a chance im lossing my bestfriend too. its like seriously wtf. idk what i would do if i lost her. and its not like we arent going to be friends anymore she isnt going to be here....with me.....my best friend and my nieces gone. i keep trying NOT TO cry but its so fucking hard. its like i have no one to turn to. its me. all aloone. again. my worst fear coming true. its like everyone has that one person that is always there and always got ur back and never misses a step in ur life and thats her. i spend all my spare time with her. every min i can get im with her and my girls.  its like i joke around but dude she is going to be basically half way across the other side of earth. not just the united states but over wherever it is. (i know where it is but im not really talkin bout it to official).

today is fathers day, and my dad is actually happy for once in his life on this wretched day. it never fails, he is always upset on fathers day and his birthday, which are only a couple weeks apart. james and i did good this year so that makes me happy!!

what  a weekend. got drunk last night. realized i miss someone thats been gone a couple days a whole lot. god killer daggers from eyes thrown at my by bridget yesterday. managed to be on the back of a motorcycle that got pulled over on our way to sturgis. lol. that was great!! seen rob. seen his cousin jim, whom informed me in NOT the only one that knows rob made a mistake but marrying bridget. that was nice to hear. tried to tell him, and then he is going to divorce her and well we will see where things go from there. i dont think a day in the last couple weeks have gone by where i havent heard from him. its werid. but nice. kris called, yup paid on the debt THANK GOD! nowi just needa STOP blowin my money and save so i can get the fuck outta here! lol. i love my bff. she is the shit no matter what she isnt goin anywhere! so im here to stay in her life! my brother turned 22 yesterday, we are the same age now for almost a month. got wasted at his party last night, which was nice for once. janelle is awesome. other than that nothing happened this weekend. adrienne texted me but didnt text back. she is finally happy. i think imma have to kick some dudes ass for tyring to fuck this shit up for her! but imma go take a nap.

im so sick of life and everything inside it. im loosing it all. i cry all the time. he wont talk to me. he thinks im scum on the bottom of someones shoe. i cant take it. i cant take hearing how sad and upset and pointless i have made his life. im sick ofbeing told that i hurt him. do you know how bad that hurts?! do you know how much it fuckin sucks to show that im the strong one and try to PRETEND it doesnt effect me cause ill be damned if someone is there for me when i need them! you see i made mistakes and he made mistakes and im so fucking stubborn and stuck on what ibelieve that i didnt take him back. i wasnt even given time to think about it. iw as given o what 2 days?! it went from ill be here to talk to you when u are ready to your taking ot much time i cant do this anymore bye. im NOT blamin him. im so fucking tired of hear its all my fault i know its all my fault. stop blaming yourself god damnit. im so sick of all these feelings and tears. and hell WHEN I AM READY TO TALK ABOUT IT HE DOESNT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT CAUSE IT HURTS HIM. WELL GUESS WHAT IT FUCKING HURTS ME TOO. ILL JUST STICK TO MYSELF. PPL THAT USE TO TALK TO ME DONT REALLY TALK TO ME ANYMORE BECUASE OF ALL THIS SHIT. W/E I GUESS ILL JUST BE ALONE AND LIVE ALONE AND DIE ALONE. I BETTER GET USED TO WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ALONE CAUSE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. IM SORRY THAT I HURT YOU. IM SORRY THAT YOU WONT TALK TO ME SO WE CAN TRY TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I FEEL LIKE THE WORSE PERSON ALIVE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. IT TAKES ME GETTING PISSED OR SADDEN FOR U TO CONTACT ME AND THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR TALKIN BAD ABOUT YOU. SORRY BUT I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING. AND NO DONT WORRY, I WONT BE AT ANY FAMILY THINGS. I WONT BARGE IN AND DO THAT SHIT. UNLESS IT DEALS WITH MY NIECES OR BFF THERE WILL BE NO NEED FOR ME TO BE THERE ANYMORE. I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN THINK OF ME AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A HORRIBLE BITCH HEARTLESS GIRL(BECAUSE I AM FAR FROM THAT) AND BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME. I LOVE YOU ALWYAS HAVE ALWAYS WILL. GUESS IMMA FUCK UP ONCE AGAIN. THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL IM GOOD AT. FUCK YOU WONT EVEN READ THIS SO ILL JUST STOP NO

i just love it...i mean really FUCKING Love it when you think something and it TOTALLY fucking turns out to be right, when ur being told its not what u think it is! like seriously wtf ever. fuck life. fuck this shit in life. im sick of being let down and caring.

in the world we live in we either care to much or care to little. where is the medium? why isnt there one near me when i need one? i feel i do everything and anything wrong. im just a waterfall waiting to burst open and let the water flow and flow and drain me completely empty. yup thats how i feel right now. completely emtpy and i havent even burst threw the damn yet. when did life get so hard and complicated? when does it get easier and stay easier? happy? i try so hard to do everything right and make everyone happy but where is that getting me? no where. how come? cuase ppl just keep takin it and taking it and it wont ever stop. soon its not even thanked for anymore its expected. and once its expected its required and how do u stop it then? im almost 23, when do i---I-- get to start doing stuff that makes ME better? i fucked up my life a couple years back and everyday i think about it and regrett it. now i have found a solution that will fix it and make me a better person. but am i going to do it? most likely not. why? cuase it will make the ones around me sadden and hurt and i cant bear that. i care to fucking much. im tired of it. i want the Jenn back that was in highschool and right outta highschool. the one that was confident, didnt worry about hurting others, knowing that the ones u love WONT walk away into the night cause you do one thing that upsets them, the one that had goals and dreams. im tired of being made feeel like i cuase ppl pain and emptyness when i try so fucking hard to fill it. im just about done. i cant take much more. im a very strong willed and has a shoulder on my head but i cant take much more. no one really knows what i want cause they dont stop to ask. its all about them. well i think jenn needs to start making it about jenn and doing what she needs to do for HER future and for the children NOT here yet to give them the best life possible instead of a bad one. yup, think it is.

so last weekend i went to cedar point ohio with Janelle and her husband Jeff. the coolest amusement park EVER! we had so much fun! camped and we rode so many rollar coasters. she had me havign my eyes open at the end of the first day and by the second day i was allll for sitting up front. i was totally on top of the earth and away from everything and i lvoed it! she is one of the coolest ppl around! jeff and i actually talked and idk "bonded" maybe a little which was cool cause the last time i seen him he was actually rather mean to me and i thought it was going to bring this trip down but it didnt, it made it better! BUT of course there IS a downfall. not the rain, not the rides breaking down, and def not running outta money BUT i developed my first migraine ever. and it wouldnt have been harmful IF it wouldnt have lasted til early this morning. i ended up having to have a catscan done to make sure there wasnt anything seriously wrong...yes i know bring on the jokes...and i was put on pills. well they didnt help last night. i edned up sleeping about 13 1/2 hours last night and woke up wonder women! i just laid around and did some laundry and read a book and then while i was driving home...after i seen Leila...i ended up getting the WORSE headache EVER again! it wasnt as intesnse and the migraine but a few hours ago i was starting to see black spots again so i took the medication and laid down and watch bride wars---made me cry! lol-- so im finally allowed back to work tomorrow. i have been off for a week with my trip to ohio and then this. i wasnt allowed to drive or operate anything. it was nuts. i HATE not being independent. rely on others suck!

the one person i had to rely on was corey. MAN O MAN do i feel sorrrrrry for this man. if ANY of you out there know me you know why. not only was i moody, tired, couldnt remember anything, and bitchy but i was also incoherant! i guess we had a couple convos where i said things that iw ouldnt normally say LOL. he put up with my needyness and my bitchyness. he delt with it all and didnt complain once. and still hasnt complain. he rushed me to the doctors and then we went to bonnies house and chilled with her and my bff and my other niece. she wasnt my fav at the time with her cries and my head about to explode but im sorry baby cj. i still love you ! and then he took me to my catscan and then drove me back home(his home) it was wonderful. he is amazing. i love having him around and i love being with him. he is truly something and someone i need in my life to handle me. and trust me imma handful but so is he. being a fish and all :) lol we have had a couple downs but everything else has been up's. its nice to finally have something to rely on and not worry about. now if a certain female would STOP accusing me off sleeping with her man...which EVERYTIME she calls and accuse me in either with Corey or on my way to ohio...duh...everything would be grand! lol

next is my bff. god i love her. and i wish i could sell my first born...literally...to help her get outta what she is in right now. but i cant and sorry bff i wont lol. we have been through a lot together and idk what i would do without her and i hope she feels the same. i wish i oculd make it all better for her. she is trying so hard to get her buisness sarted. so any of you females out there. need a purse? a new shirt? or maybe a wallet? well she has the latest fashion and styles ready to sell. just contact her. she will give u the hook up! :) and my fav...shouldnt say it but i guess imma bad aunt jen... niece makalia is turning 4 on sat!! sigh. i remember when she was jsut a lil baby in mommies belly now she  is this full blown attitude loving best big sister in the whole entire world child. god is she soo smart! she is going to grow up and do things and we are going to be like damn yup i claim her hahaha i added a video on here that they took for me and i just cried it was the sweetest thing ever and it jsut shows how much jes and the girls love me! i love them so much as well!!!!

dad has started racing ago. its neat. he won his first race of the season and been having electrical problems since. it sucks and im sure he will get it figured out. he is a good driver/mechanic. watch out fuckers! hahaha

besides the migraines and of course my accruing debt that NEVER seems to stop, everything is going great in my life. i dont have fake ppl in my life that dont care about me anymore and i dont have anyone that is going to use me anymore. i got rid of all those haters and players and skanks. msutang getting big and my cuddle bug as always. trying to teach my inherited pitbull some manners....useless i know but hey we are trying! lol. i missed alyssas' bday that sucks. as well as lil aidens but the location got changed and i think something happened that day. sorry. i SWEAR ill try 100% to be at dylans cause i know its coming up! lol. love ya tor's!

but imma get off here. not on here much anymore but i thought i would give ppl and update and the ppl NOT In my life reading this an insite to HOW HAPPY i am and realize im cool! :) lol.

im an terrified of thunder storms. i cant help it. its not something that i asked for or choose to be scared of. i just freak out. some ppl do it with snakes or spiders i on the other hand do it with storms. i get really scared nervous shaky and to the point of crying. my bestfriend gets even worse. it sucks and i fucking hate it. i also know it frusturates ppl when i get like this but i cant help it. i really hate being yelled at or voice risen or anything like that when i get like this. it makes it worse and makese me wanna cry and just hide. im literally terrified by them. why cant ppl just understand this and NOT take it out on me and her? its a big thing for her and i since we live in the midwest. she has been thru a tornado and i have been thru near tornado weather. i fucking hate it and i hate this feeling.

So today was an absolutely WONDERFUL day. thank goodness the weather was great. well it wasnt sunny but it was warm and NOT rainy! had an AWESOME time at the park today for sydneys birthday.....even though COREY made us late....and trying to blame it on his daughter hehehe......it was great. they played hula hoop and water balloon toss which was fun to watch. then we went back and played buzz word at the house. well jess and i got to talk about mike's ex gf whatever her name is, and jes was talking about how the girl fell outta the truck completely wasted and guess what? jess fell outta her chair. OMG i swear everything stopped and everyone was laughing so hard. it  was the funniest thing in a LONG time!!!! lol.  raquel took a couple picuters. funniest thing of the day. was a great day overall after we got everything settled down with juli. Corey makes me feel really important in his life. he comes to me and asks me how i feel about things and my views on things when it comes to his daughter and its awesome! i have never had a relationship before that was so combined. its like he just threw me into everything. i have stuff that doesnt leave his house and then the daughter thing. its great. i love it and i love him and i love the ENTIRE singer---even though they have different last names---family. his mom said now i know why i like this girl to me today lol. she said ill do a really good job keepin corey in line. its ok cause he will do me really good too. keeping mein line as well. lol. i dont get outta line to much but when i do its bad!

but our pizza is done time to go eat and watch the Happening.....mike whalburg is SOOO flippin hot!! LOL