Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy
all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal.
How about I send you a f***ing dictionary so you can learn to
read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can
spell! Santa P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
_______________________
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and
I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the
meantime and
let's see if you can build up a family with those.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the
North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your f***in
head. Who names their kid "Francis " anyway. I bet you're gay.
I'll send you the Village People album instead. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny
Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up. Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making
Toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing
money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send
toys to all you little f**kers! Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your
window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a
stupid child! I'm skipping your house. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't fly up here. You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes
it when you pat his head.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home ?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a
house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Clinton Third,
I can get inside your shit hole just like all the hobo's in town do. I will
mail your mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a
key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas...
Your friend,
Santa
