Saga of the Web-mantic III
A Confessions Supplement
Re: Tainted Lover
In the midst of a relatively quiet Summer-Madness, I find reason to pick up a pen and weave the tale of a wayward soul a man who struggles against his own inner demons, for the sake of the better good. I ask you reader, what is one man’s struggle in a world that lacks compassion. I’ll tell you, futile. Still, I travel on in search of that perfect romance. So far this search has yielded nothing. So, I swear my path was cursed by Eve. Mayhaps she has a personal vendetta against me. I stand ready for her. I was knighted just for this cause. Eve seems to be compassion’s greatest enemy.
Ngozi Adanna? Lost among these pages. I tell you its grim out and about in this fray we call dating. A weekend excursion back home had me sorting emotion about Nikki Lake. I came to the knowledge that this could not ever happen; due to etiquette (Nikki and Charity were friends,). Mrs. Right is probably my friend. Remember Keisha J.? (Late summer, early fall issue of 1995) you do? Well, she’s trying to seduce an ever so crafty knight. This cannot be. Wasn’t she classified as unworthy of my affections? Subjecting her to the maw would only destroy her delicate psyche. I must say I am much too noble to play with children. On the Netscape, I haven’t been on! But at my last note, I could swear Cheatleta was lost among these Toombs. I don’t chat with her much. Sincerity has no merit in that TV screen. Love runs as abundant as ever online, but in real life, this emotion is as elusive as happiness. Still, (and yet even,) online still serves as my romantic shot. With the euphoria it produces, I can very easily become addicted, as you have seen in the spring. So these two weeks of respite will probably help me deal with the one called Sinderlla (Stephanie). Still a bit morbid from Negotiations with Ngozi, I could easily get caught up once more in a faux relationship. And this cannot be good.
At the jobsite: There are a few notables, its just shameful that the dating game has corrupted so. This foreign land promotes underhanded techniques as a reputable dating medium. We have the lovers that are disguised as friends; sworn enemies that are apparently the most passionate lovers. Blast this crass age! All the cutie pies are among the promiscuous. I can almost swear that there are at least three young ladies that like me, this is speculation though (and perhaps a bit of ego involved,). Besides, I’m holding myself in reserve for that major romance that’ll probably happen in the fall.
My thoughts remain dark after I was loved by someone that was off the market. Bad thing is that I could’ve returned the favor, with no questions asked (and you said there were no dark desires!). Anyhow, this could’ve come at a better time. A care-less saying has put me on someone’s kiss list. Pshaw! More undue attention. Forest City will never produce (naturally) the lover I seek. Incidentally, I’ve discovered I am what you would call a troubadour. Destined to long for some forbidden love or in my case, an unattainable passion. Also I’m still cast within the guise of the crusading knight, seeking the favor of the noble’s wife. So this is why I feel so removed from today’s society. These coveted knightly values were issued nearly 2000 years ago. Now this is exciting in itself. The Scarlet Order has always been shrouded in mystery. One should always rejoice when knowledge has revealed itself to you. Ancient energies surge through archaic pathways. Still with this knowledge, I am still without my queen. There can’t be anything worse than this.
Unfounded rumors about Jenny come in. why do I entertain these people?! Seems as though, Jenny seems to have a (alleged,) dark history. I’m concerned that her beau may hold this against her. Oooh! This has become interesting! Let’s see.
08/08/99 Tsk, tsk, would there be one among the cyber-romantics? I found out Friday that Sinderlla is fishing. I had taken the bait. Now I jump off the line. It is so unfortunate that these potential mates are being corrupted by the web. It is terrible I can’t stop this unyielding search for my mate. I can’t stop using the web, for it broadens my search. I’ll say it like I’ve said before; Mrs. Right is beyond the sea watching for me. Destiney (is she still around?) 03 still suggests that it is I that her heart beats for. Can this be or rather she is the most honorable among those thieves. Wistful thinking has it that she is able to feel me like I feel her (or felt?) through that accursed TV screen. Isn’t that just sick? The plot thickens.
Ok, I want to include Jenny here, but there is no real reason to do so. Mayhaps it is the dark desires of an arcane ledger? Nah! She is pretty much taken off the market, but begrudgingly so. I’ll keep you posted.
08/11/99 still in knightly doldrums and this respite is golden. I now have time to hone skills and refine my art. I feel like those pre-Tracee years. Ah! I suppose I was happier then. You know, the 90’s have been filled with angst and heartache. This date finds me seeking the solace of the kindred soul once more.
09/07/99 Lets say for reasons unbeknownst to me, I am moved by special cosmic forces. I ask, why did I miss Anissa Sunday? And yet again, why neglects to answer the question. Perhaps the cosmic forces knew that I would shy away, curse myself and romance or, perchance, I am not ready to deal with her just yet, too many outside influences. Yesterday, I caught up with Destiney03 and Sinderlla (Mwa ha ha!). Nothing’s changed. Cheatleta still calls me #1 although I know better than this. And she discloses how much I am missed among the various nicks that are called the net. But for some reasons beyond her control, she had to leave. I think some guy was coming over. And just before this happens, Sinderlla comes on passing out various goodies, until she sees my nick in the room. I deftly went into whisper mode. She wondered where I had been. I began to weave the tale of a busy individual. Then she asked why I didn’t call. I gave a toothy grin because I felt it was time to end this effrontery. I quickly accosted her, citing she was a wanted woman. I was referring to the night I came on and everyone wanted Sin. Then, I berated her by telling her I feel unimportant, and unneeded. She quickly responded by saying, “Hogwash!” Then she performed skillful maneuvers that had me on the defensive, but I wasn’t to be on the defensive, not today! The highlight of the evening was her sending me a long overdue picture of her. I was stunned. Stephanie was decent enough to inquire about. As I returned to the room, I was flooded with emotion unchecked from this 20 something woman. It was long enough to contemplate romance (?) but then, sobering thoughts like, this is the web, Duh! It makes you well aware of all the sex and lies that transpire so carelessly. But should I call and become lost, may God help me! -> Its still “Just to see her,” for me. I’ll guarantee that once I set eyes upon her, all animosities would be denied, and life would become livable once again. But alas, it is not, and so, I suffer. And speaking of suffering, I see Ngozi, and she wonders how I do. I do very well without her, thank you. She has been deemed unworthy of my love so…
Anyhow, I figure to be entitled to a spot of happiness. Anissa still represents that aspect of romance unattainable to me. So yes, I still have a need for her. But the question is could I want her? Many people would buckle down under these sordid conditions, but I relish the fact that Knighted strength hasn’t failed even though my heart seems comatose.
This thing with Sin has thrown me for a loop. I hadn’t called yet, and its two days later. I want to, but then again, I could be that sucker again. I already feel like I’ve been had for wanting to call Stephanie. As I remember our conversation, she was cool, even amid someone else trying to get with her. This was the reason I didn’t want to get involved in the first place. Now here I am contemplating a bad move. Alright, who’s cursed romance?
And speaking of cursed romances, did you not know that during High School, it is ok to trample a heart or two? According to a girl, (ah to live and die in Forest City, tsk,) this is natural. All because romance as we know it wasn’t taken seriously. I suppose no one believed in the Mr. Right of yore. This explains a lot of the shady misgivings within the lives of the women of Forest City. As we all know, I took romance extremely seriously, for my heart was precious. I sought to give it to one who’d treasure it as much as I, if not better. Perhaps, this was my problem, if I had adopted this bit of information, maybe I’d posses a still-born vengeance-seeker and love would be a touch away, but that is wistful thinking. I can’t condone folks destroying hearts for nonchalant ness. This is why folks have extra-curricular affairs, it brings back their youth! I was taught that a special girl would come along within those wonder years and you’d be married and live happily ever after. I guess that shows how naïve I was. It’s amazing; my rule number one has a special meaning all its own. Always assume she doesn’t love you. It’s true! She didn’t love, she liked. Whereas he was debating futures, she was contemplating who was cuter. Here I am, almost 15 years from my first girlfriend, emotionally torn, and unable to love effectively because of High School romances. And this is natural (?) and can’t be taken seriously. So, what am I saying? Hearts can be broken at any age, but the period between 14 and 18 are the most impressionable when it comes to affairs of the heart. So have compassion, otherwise the next heart you might break may be your own.
09/13/99 Curse me for being such a coward. Or here comes heartbreak #3. Word has it among a couple of friends that a certain gorgeous, intelligent (be still my beating heart) lady has designs on me. Well turns out that, I have designs on her. Only problem is that the girl is gorgeous. She brings out all my well-hidden anxieties and fears. She, on the other hand, figures me to be high-strung because I hadn’t made an approach. This will change shortly, for I require a listening ear also. I’m still a bit timid because of my destiny; I figure why not die within the arms of one who desires me the most. Unfounded reports of who has their eyes on me flood in. Sub-consciously I dodge all such attention, waiting on that major storm to make land fall. Lesser squalls like Lavella (who tried to flirt with me again..) gets blown away. Back to the pretty lady, this is a preamble, if and when we (the horrifying thought is that we may never become more than friends, curse this Forest City!) get together, even more guarded questions would come about.
Still a bit ambient for here it is two days later and all that was said was “hello.” I almost lost my temper. Thoughts like, “who is she compared to the legacy of the Knight? And how did I reply? “Hey!!....” I aught to be shot. I’m still disturbed because here are folks wanting to be my friend. I don’t want to be anyone’s friend. I seek lovers, I seek a mate. You can’t find either of those definitions within the word “friend”. To me, a friend is confusing to the one trying to be your lover. Interference is something you don’t want to have in a budding relationship. So what is it with this friendship anyways?
The Oft Untold Plight
Of the “nice guy”
He is never #1 in her eyes, but she is the apple of his eyes and the peach of his cheek. She is perfect in every way in his mind’s sight, whereas he is perfect for meaningless conversations about nothing at all. To him, this is the prelude to the greatest love affair he almost has. But to her, this is the perfect love affair that she’ll never have. She desperately wants a lover in all aspects, but all she finds are crooks. He is that perfect lover she is wanting, but she never looks. This could go on for hours, but I choose to stop and ask why such is true. Well its simple, bad boys hog the limelight. Our generation is geared into thinking that all attention-grabbers are some type of hero. Or, they are worthy of all affection generated by what they have done. Usually, the one gaining the spotlight is a notorious fiend. Just think, who gets referred to the most, the out-house builder, or the demolition man. The out-house builder has only one special talent and he serves that need. You don’t talk about him. You call him only when you need him. The demo man? Well heck, he has a movie about himself, he’s slapped Shauna, or, my God, he’s killed Kenny! All these are fuel for topics of debate, and before long, he is all you think about. This is the reason “Nice Guys” have a short life expectancy. Because after the aforementioned treatment she administers, he just might turn rogue, no longer maintaining the status of “nice”. It is only then when the girl he sought after finds him cute!
I am a hapless fool. 09/17/99 I found myself forsaking all others for that most wonderful woman. My only wish is to show her that I can do something no one else could; love effectively. Bah! Curse me for being such a romantic. I am still in doldrums, meaning no one can claim me for theirs. This is terrible. To update everyone, I did get a chance to approach C.C. and the result was a smile and nothing more. Here it is the 27th and I am pondering what am I waiting for. (Hostility levels creeping skyward,..) I understand there are loose ends to tie up, but the worst thing you can do is put me on a delayed waiting schedule. I am only for a season, passing very quickly.
Hold the phone! An unfounded rumor has it that Jeraldine NMI’s younger son could be mine! Ah, rumored happiness, wait, reality rolls in on a cold front. She has someone else in her life, wait he’s supposed to be gone! Could the monster of these annals be mine after all this time? Meantime, I received a hug from Jenny and it left me with a curious passion. Is it odd? No, just the arcane desires of an unsung knight. I still feel the hurricane-induced effects. I’m getting too much attention. Now let me see, we’ve covered C.C. Next is Barbara. This is a job romance, sorta. It’s confusing really (such is the plight of the Scarlet Knight). She’s within her late 30’s. Mocha skinned around 165 lbs, bright eyed beauty. Well about two weeks ago, I was flirting half-heartedly and she responded (much to my dismay)! The only bad thing about this is, I’m still ga-ga over C.C. This holds no bearing on the night-quarter (date) scheduled this weekend. It’s more than likely that we should remain friendly. I’ve ascertained that we stand on different grounds (plus I’m still ga-ga over C.C.). I hate that, but that’s life within these tainted eyes. Alas, hurricane season leaves broken lives in its wake. So we are left with one, this ‘Tina’. I don’t know if I can get “I like you Mike,” out of “Go with me to Maryland with me this Thanksgiving.” But, I did. She’s in her late 20’s, two kids, about 5’9” but still cute as a button. This is about all the present information I have on her. I have one question, since when did I become the object of desire? I declare the summer was mad, but this Hurricane season is confounding!
A few under-agents (teenagers) are even testing my mettle. But alas, there are even less worthy folk than ever. The one I’m looking for comes with this smile and kiss. But then again, with the bleak outlook for the new millennia, you can find it hard pressed to discover a reason to date. But I will, although I am somewhat less than what I was, my resolve is strong and none shall thwart it! Who else knows of my plight? No one. See, lack of compassion prevents others from getting involved. This is why you can’t find lovers that are true out here. They have no compassion. As compassion’s champion, this confounds me so. I have no missions to complete, no honors to defend, and dragons run rampant over this forsaken land.
Ladies and gentlemen, (sort that out amongst yourselves) I have C.C.’s rich and prolific history at my disposal. Her’s is a path most unsuitable for print. Oh yeah, first I gotta sing, ‘carnival time is here, magical time of year, and as that time draws near, Dreams lift my heart!’
And now, the date! Night quarter 10/29/99 was perhaps the most entertaining date to date. I enjoyed every moment, for a while. At first, I was timid. She broke the ice with conversation. I became the Knight once more, and became inquisitive. So now, halfway to the restaurant, we are digging into each other’s history. The first thing I discover is that we would never become more than friends, because she is still married! How is one expected to endure? Compassion’s champion wooing an already spoken for woman. The life of a troubadour is for me. Now I’m discouraged beyond belief, my mind saw the future of a love affair with her, I’m wishing she’d get a divorce and she’s not moving fast enough for my tastes. This could be a topic on Jerry Springer, Married folk who want other folks. There is nothing in the world more nerve wrecking, than when your girl is playing you and you are unsuspecting. These are none truer words reader. It used to be that you look beyond faults and seek all that I require. I was selfish then. I recognize my shortcomings for being a little selfish; it’s a throwback from being an emotional entity. I have no choice but to travel on further. Who knows, I may find what I’m looking for, but I remain doubtful. Once we make it to the restaurant, I am trying to make the most of it. Heck, I’m paying; I may as well enjoy my date. I begin to pour on the charm, becoming that debonair guy that I am (smile). And out of the clear blue, she asks me about some girl that likes me that I don’t have any involvement with. My jaw drops, because I learn that she is telling everyone I know that we are dating, and this was far from the truth. Needless to say, I lost my appetite. I was ready to go. The rest of the date was eventless; I turned off the charm spigot, and watched the movie.
Barbara, sadly enough, I still see that sparkle in her eyes every time she looks at me. I don’t foresee any intensification in this area. My story is still a destiny unfulfilled. Hopefully, if I maintain my distance, she’ll lose interest and go away quietly. There are too many careless suggestions and broken hearts at my job site. It is proving to be a wondrous bed of varied personas but the noblest of these happens to be an old woman. She seeks happiness in solitude. I happen to know you can not find Happiness there. Happiness is elusive and a recluse. But she is harbored within the arms of the one promised to me.
Charity Renee, wait, ya’ll didn’t see that. Where did she come from? And why is she bothering me? Others swear I’ve suffered enough from her hands. Evidently, she doesn’t think so. She won’t be able to wrestle a mote of passion from me. I really don’t like what she did to me. No! She won’t be the anomaly to destroy a knight’s incarnation and then destroy another. Plus, I find it enjoyable to leave her out of my life totally. There are still no forbearers, but I remember a passage written by Anissa a year ago asking me if this was a game. And even today, I’m forced to consider if these varied personas I exude find pleasure from the premise of romance.
10/09/99 A Night-Quarter to find the one they call Destiney03. It was doomed from the start. All that was accomplished was a 10 minute phone conversation that yielded yet another empty promise. Still undaunted, I know she is no longer in the race to become heartbreak number three. Heck, she couldn’t be number two and three anyways. C.C.? Honestly, I really don’t think there is too much to go on about. She is coming in on this Christian angle. I just want to pilfer what’s in her mind. Barbara? I think she has a lot of history, but I can’t click with her. This next major romance should be both beautiful and yet, deadly. These women don’t possess enough oomph to make me conform to their causes. Ten years ago, I swore there was none worthy. So I find myself cross because I could care less for these peons I see everyday. I mean, how could they compare to the virtual goddesses like Tracey Dunnington, Diana Benjamin (God rest her soul,) or Tracee Beasely? No contest, I say. Forest City has found its niche in promiscuity untrue. I search for a true blue lover. To heck with friends. C.C. called me a friend. Now, she will realize what this means to me. Paradise lost ring a bell? Ah, but it will soon enough! à I almost hate friends worse than being called “too nice”. ß Barbara called me friend. Their battle-cry is friends before lovers. My motto is friends don’t sound like lovers. I’ve said, the ideal lover becomes idle when you become friends, so when your love ends, what do you become then?
10/16/99 Well now, surely C.C. has shown me what a friend is. She was spotted at a local football game with someone other than herself. Quickly now, is there any reason to pursuit in this direction? My embittered countenance will forever tell the tale of the misfit. But then again, did I really want to be with her? Probably not. All this angst was for what; to be her friend? How disgusting! I think I said it best when I disclosed that the knight is too passionate to be anyone’s friend. I remain at that level even long after the romance is long dead. But such is the plight of the Scarlet Knight. Oh, how I wish I was slow to love and quick to loathe! Hey, but did you notice that the morning was extremely bright? I have no choice but to find joy within it. Besides, hurricanes only last for a season.
I suppose I can name some of the hurricanes that were spawned within this 10th month, among these cool months, Tabitha Ezzy made landfall 11 years ago as did Deetra Willis. Andrea almost became a major hurricane, but lacked wherewithal. Her friend Carlotta was the one remembered for 1990. It was also this time when Diana Benjamin ravaged the coasts. 10 years ago, I was celebrating Lena missing the shoreline, and then hurricane Emmie surprised everyone. But she didn’t do nearly as much damage as Hurricane Tracee.
And speaking of hurricane Tracee, here it is 10/21/99 and I speak with the infamous Tracee Marvel, and I’ll swear I’ll be forever enthralled with this siren. And before I go on a bit further, it is still too early to become bitter, although it does help.
Anyhow, I decide to phone to see what the ever-so-friendly Queen of my heart is doing, come to find out that, she’s single too! Is it too early for Christmas? She hinted that I could very well behold her as mine after 10 years of waiting. I will express doubt here. I’ve heard this before, if she is my destiny, I would have to relocate to Atlanta. I don’t know, but I just may seek Chealeta, a very bad move. Then again, the hope against hope suggests that she may actually be mine own for the taking, but will I be available for her? You realize that C.C. is not totally out of my system. I found this out 10/24/99 when I saw her (the rampant rumor was she was there just to see me, but uh…) and I was filled with both love and hate. My first thought was to remain vigilant and not say anything, but that would be too easy. So I sauntered up and said hello, and what did I receive; A sort of disinterested hi. Hmpf! Still undaunted, a quick smile flashed and so my job was complete. I tried and nothing more was said. What more could I do? Go out on a limb and ask just what is her malfunction (making matters worse); disclose some truly heartfelt emotions (to disinterested ears)? No, no, no we are only friends for crying out loud. How can I truly have heartfelt emotions about somebody who (I’m thinking) could care less?
110299 Again the rumor was she was there to see me (mayhaps, it was to see me gravel in her presence, grumble; mutter) all I can say is that I loved her again. I just hate my situation. -> Tracee Marvel has me quivering with unnamed passions (again!). a few days ago, I endeavored an e-mail explaining heartfelt emotion and reasons why. She can never understand her art, of what she truly done. But all I asked was permission to be her friend. all I require is affection from the one who knows me the best. What I received was an e-mail explaining that all I am is just an acquaintance, no more than the sum of the on average two phone calls a year. I remember when romance used to be when someone thought of you enough to bridge the gap years down the road. But I suppose times have changed for the worse. She summed it all up with rules of being her friend which sounded like change Mikesommore. I think this is crazy and underhanded.
110399 Ahhh! Ack!!! Tracee needed me! I now find it very difficult to think clearly. Her exact statement was I was the type of guy she required when she was in college. My thoughts were “ ..and, I wasn’t yours?” I have to ensure she doesn’t destroy me again because it is, well, November. Tsk, and on the lighter side…
In cyber land, Sinderlla was kicked to the curb for sheer femalizm (what?! You didn’t know?). What can one do? If anyone ever wanted me, they need to show their claims, for I’m just about ready to swear off all forbearers. Omigosh, smitten with the thought ‘reunited with Tracee,’ has me thinking crazy thoughts. Anyhow, back to cyberspace, another nick has taken a shining to the Hymnal. I’m remaining despondent (heck, no one is getting a fair chance with the Beasely woman around) I mean, who needs another cyber-romantic in Atlanta? Cheatleta seldom sends me anything any longer. Who cares? Tracee’s pending. Ce Ce’s wondering what has happened to us. Well, Tracee’s friendly.
This is a bad month for me to be acting this way. The three terrors are not to be forgotten. Here it is two days before the anniversary, the tenth anniversary of our dating and if asked, I’ll swear I’m in love with her again. Never mind if all this is a clever ruse designed to slay me. Who cares if has another in Decatur. I’m too far into this to turn back now. After all these years of loving and hating her, I suppose I can now love her like she designed me to. And again I turn to the heavens and discover that no matter how grand I feel, I am but no one in the eyes of my beholder.
Jeraldine makes herself visible within my universe. She now works at the jobsite. Ok, the master and the upstart meet, destroying the tapestry that created affection for them anyhow. The question is, would she be able to displace the promising Tracee Marvel? Probably not. Tracee’s talking to me. The NMI? Publically shunning, but visually stunning. Besides, she is not hers to give away. But this does not stop the nay-sayers from debating the topic. If I enter the debate, all solutions point towards a no win situation (although this month is very weird and anything can happen). If I had a choice I’d choose the one known only as the Beasely woman. I think this is all a sinister plot against my heart. I still found affection squaring itself for the Beasely woman. She can’t want me truly, so she has to have something to gain from the friendly Michael. Although she must realize that Mike: the lover has everything for her. Don’t you just hate this month?
And as the year, century grows weary, knight what is it that you desire? Still i want nothing more than a lover in all its aspects. I question why because that is so hard to discover. I still search for Tracee’s smile, Robynetta’s kiss and Rosalyn’s technique in every girl. Many disclose that beggars shouldn’t be choosy, but shouldn’t you want the best for yourself?
Cyberland. Destiney03 asks can she be my #1. Whew, you ask a lot. I doubt if I’d ever relinquish #1 for anyone whose name doesn’t sound like Tracee. The real question is could she get a fair chance amid the euphoria/purgatory that is November? Here I am again acting if I am nothing more than the sum of the words uttered towards me. The Scarlet fraction increased itself on the promise of happiness at Tracee’s hands. But isn’t she my sworn enemy? This is the bittersweet emotional battle that I have been going for ten years. Every time I say ten years some part of me expresses surprise. I never expected to love anyone this long. My suggestions to the net-mantic called Destiney03? I advised Chealeta to not place her affection within a tattered soul such as mine. Without Tracee, I would not be able to love her effectively. No one I know wishes this for themselves.
112299 ! Ahhhhh the cycle continues… I talked with Tracee and she showed how deftly she can manipulate my various personas. Why wouldn’t she know how to push my buttons? Any how, she began saiting the knighted 2/3rds of me, then she engaged in an intimate battle with my darker side. I don’t know too many people who can survive DF, she wouldn’t be one of them. She would leave me me pondering if I should feed her to the maw. Now if this would happen, I just may lose all respect for her. This wont be good, but who wouldn’t want to love her physically as well as mentally? Only problem is my title. I am still her friend; a fond cohort. My thoughts darken…
Stephanie calls also this evening. The girl is still with home dude. What could she want with me? You can’t have cake and ice cream too. 03 swears (aren’t y’all tired of her?) I am the one her heart beats for. Likey story. All of a sudden, I become available on the must attain lists of the net girls. Ce Ce Lord! I don’t know if it’s safe to assume if she likes me or not. I guess I should call and find out. Again it’s the anniversary of the end. Usually it’s foretold by dark clouds on the horizon. But today, it’s a bright sunny day. See what happens when Tracee gets put in the mix, every thing gets thrown in chaos.
