13/11/2006: (begins Sunday, the 12th)
Although this isn't exactly for sadness, but I feel sad becouse of what I have to say that's the meaning of the blog.
I met a mate's friend today, which I am highly interested in. But when I met him, I knew their was some connection, a friendly connection.
The trouble I find with me is, I allow my self to love others way to easily. I allow my self to judge someone at a drop of a hat then change my mind later, or just like them, then like turns into love. I also always allow my self to trust others way to easily which is one of my weekness's.
However, this is diffrent. Diffrent only to the reason of 'interest' or for even 'love'. I know I fancy this man, I know I interest him with some kind of passion.
You proberably think "how can you? you've only knowen him for the one day" well as it was an afternoon and part of the morning. But as I said, thats the trouble, I allow my self to like people more aka 'interest/fancy' even when I havn't gotten to know the person truley.
I can't explain it really, it's like 'love' at first sight I guess. But the reason why I'm sad is becouse, I know this person I fancy won't interest me in the same way I interest him. Purley becouse I know what I'm like, I know my image, I know someone so cute, so outgoing can be interested in someone as low as me.
I have to shed some truth here, I do admit I have a low self esteem, for all I know he may fancy me. However given the current situation's I dont think he'd like me.
'IF' he ever does, I can't tell if it will work, or if it where to fail. I'd like to give it a shot, but again the flaw comes into effect of me thinking "I won't get him, he's interested in both sex's so he has more of a chance of getting a hot girl, or even a hot guy beyond my chance"
However I'm trying not to dig my self deep, I'm trying not to fall inlove with a man so hot, a man who has such talent and such ways to make you laugh, giggle :-)
I like him heaps as a friend (and beyond), I'd like to take it further but I'm scared of rejection, hence why I have a low self esteem to a point.
He has a way to pleasure me in ways where no one ever could. Others may try but has never successed like this man I fancy has. I've known my mate for roughly 5 or so years now and I consider him to be an extremly awsome friend.
I'd honestly be lost without him or his family, now when I say family, I include two special friends whom I include as part of the family. One's name starts with M and other starts with an E.
Any ways, sighning off, it's painfull to think like this, hurts me to try fall inlove or to fancy this man further than I will allow my self. I'm trying to restrict my human heart in trying to love someone whom I can't share the love with.
Will only turn me made!
