What to say about myself.....well growing up I was the shy, quiet, never caused any ripples, tried to just blend into the nearest wall type. I was afraid of confrontation due to my childhood. I always had friends but have never had one's that i could truly rely on. I married right after High School to the love of my life. I have been in love only twice, the first one hurt me horribly after being together 2yrs. My husband, and I say this with tears streaming down my face and my heart completely shattered, who is about to most likely be my ex-husband soon. We met while i was on a blind date ( my date was so boring the wall looked inviting) Eric invited him and I to bowl with them and we ended up being in each others face and teasing one another all night. His friend was the one tryin to hit on me, but I knew Eric was the one the minute i looked into those gray-blue eyes. He has made me the person I am today. I'm stronger, more outspoken, friskier, alot more uninhibited, and no longer afraid. Eric proposed to me on the night of my High School Senior Prom. We were together a year before we married on Feb. 9th, 2001. WOW...10yrs...I wont lie and say we had a perfect marriage,and i would probably change a few things if i could go back knowing the things i do now. I'm not holding my breath cuz i have no more fight left in me, but I would love nothing more than to not have to lose the one and only person in this world that makes me laugh even though i'm mad as hell, tells me and means it that I'm gorgeous even when i'm 9months pregnant, swollen ankles and as big as a beached whale, and has always believed in me, an to this very day i am just as much in love with him as the day we met, i gave him all of me mind, heart, soul, and spirit. Anyone know how to fix a heart that is in a trillion pieces? I have 3 gorgeous boys..Jalyn (7), DJ (6) and Michael (22months). All three of them look just like their daddy, blond haired and blue eyed. I have unfortunately learned once again that i have no one left in this world to rely on, my parents said they don't have time, my friends insist on stabbing me in the back. But at least their true colors came out now instead of later. I have learned the hard way the affects of telling lies even if its to cover a family truth you don't wanna let out, so I try not to lie...i can't do it very well anyway. (I have a very guilty conscience so i end up tellin on myself anyway) I am almost 27, I tend to be more concerned about others needs and wants than my own, but that is over now. I'm no longer gonna be lied to, played for the fool, or misled, ppl tend to think i'm stupid and that i'm not aware of whats goin on....wrong! I know...might as well come clean while you have a chance. Alot of folks aren't gonna like the new me, cuz the new me is untrusting, no longer smiling (i lost my smile) and cold. My kids are the only ppl who can bring a TRUE smile to my face. I'm currently working at Pizza Hut as a Shift Manager (I worked very hard for that) but since things are the way they are, I am looking for something better. Well that's about it, if i hurt you with whatever i have to say i'm sorry, but i just can't take anymore pain now. I'm throwin in the towel and raising the white flag. I GIVE UP!!!!
Why? That is a question I find myself asking alot recently. Why do people who say they are your friends hurt you and back stab? Why do people have to lie? Why do people have to cheat? Why do people have to take advantage of those who will do anything for them no matter what? Do I have the answers? No Do I have the answers that people have given me? Yes Do I accept or reject those answers? I don't know
I have grown so much since I married almost 9yrs ago, I made stupid mistakes, i have with held the truth, I have loved with all my heart. I sit here at my desk with my kids playing at my feet feeling so alone, abandoned, scared, rejected, and extremely sad. My life had been turned completely upside down in the last month. For I am to be no longer a wife to the man I married and gave 3 beautiful boys to. I failed in so many ways when it came to being a good wife and mother. I was quick to anger, hard headed, unwilling to change and at times hateful. So much has happened in my 26yrs of life that I was completely surprised to find I was capable of love.Now after a marriage of happiness, sadness, anger, life, death, trust, and untrust. I find myself with so many regrets. I gave all of myself to my husband, i have never once stopped loving him. Do I understand why he says we no longer can be married? Yes Have I accepted it? Yes Do I still want him in my life? Yes I am exstatic that we are developing a friendship that we never truly grasped as a married couple. But my heart breaks everytime i happen to glance at his hand that no longer carriees the mark of our wedding, or when I sit and know that I am no longer the object of his passion, or affection. Today is a very hard day for me, I am overcome with such sadness and loneliness. He won't know how i truly feel because he isn't the one with no friends, or moving into a house with no one to call at night and have them come over. He will never truly feel the sense of complete and utter lonliness that comes from having no one. I honestly believe that I had already found my ONE true love. I doubt I will ever be happy again or truly be loved by anyone else. With tears streaming down my face and sobs wretching at my gut, I proclaim that I still wish a miracle would occur and God and life would grant me my one and only wish. I would never wish this much pain on anyone..not even my worst enemy. So my question of Why continues to be asked. Why? Why can't i just be numb and not feel anything ever again? Why do I have to care? Why do I have to know when people are lying to me? Do I ask to know when i am being lied to or bull shited? No Why do I have to hurt so badly? I know that as a part of who I am I am unable to be un-caring. I will always care. Why are things so unfair? Why should he be allowed to move on and have an happiness, when i'm more than positive that i will never be happy the way I was with him. I will never find another person who makes my body respond the way he made it. I'm scared to trust, to love again, to live the rest of my life without him as my husband...being my friend is fine...but not enuff. so the question of WHY? still remains.
Two separate, distinct personalities, not separate at all, but inextricably bound, soul and body and mind, to each other, how did we get so far apart so fast?
